My Sensitive Girl Hole

Puerperium Cardigan - Finished Last week

2012-01-31T21:13:00.007-05:00

A close friend of mine knit this sweater for Marlowe before she was born. The Puerperium Cardigan It is named after the six week period after a baby was born. With the support of Jason this was my favourite time post partum.

The Puerperium period. Click the link for pronunciation, I had to. It is beautiful and totally inspiring and so I knit one myself for a soon to be born baby.

I love the colours of Noro Silk Garden and the way it plays with the Cascade 220 contrast colour. I had so much yarn left over that I was able to make a little baby hat to match.

This particular outfit was made for a friend who I have known since first year university. I wanted to add some additional and beautiful handmade love so I added an Owl from my friend Debra's shop.

I have a whole draft post about how the fewer dollars we have at our disposal the more local we shop. By spending our money with local shops and artists we know that each dollar will have more of a spread. It's an idea I'm still trying to work on.

Anyway, we have a couple of these toys and love them; pigs, puppies, owls. Debra does them all.
She makes beautiful toys. If you need one, I think you should contact her.

Pieces of Love

2012-01-27T21:30:00.007-05:00

Back in May or June of 2011, Fenner came home from daycare to request a new blanket. She had outgrown all of her hand knit baby blankets and was in need of a big girl blanket. Handmade, thankyouverymuch.

Smart kid, appealing to the ego of a knitter who is in it it for the process. So I started the Mitred Crosses Blanket. I knit squares at the cottage, I knit squares at home, I knit squares on the TTC, I took a break.

Then Marlowe started to go very late and some loving friends suggested that perhaps Marlowe was waiting for me to finish Fenner's big sister blanket. Sweet baby jesus. Since I hadn't even finished knitting the 12 squares. I started to go hard.
As it turns out she was just waiting until she was well done. So I continued to knit squares in bed while I recovered and everywhere else I travelled.

Until finally the pieces of blanket were done. Noro really does have colour down pat.
As I finished sets of three squares, Fenner gave them a gentle bath and I laid them out to block. It was the first time Fenner was engaged for a task and she took the job very seriously, bathing them tenderly and rolling them out not so much with the tenderness.
It figured heavily into my New Years resolutions as I was getting deeply bored so I set myself weekly goals to ensure that I finished the beast in January.

The joining of the squares took almost 2 weeks.
The I-Cord edging took 1 week and a whole season of The Wire.

The blocking took 1 day. I don't have a picture of Fenner rolled in it because she sleeps in it at night. She filled my knitter's heart with mush when she saw it she squealed like only a 4 year old girl can and said that it was as beautiful as all of the trees in Monarch Park (that's a lot, just so you know).

Can you guess which is her favourite square?

Week 2 Knitting

2012-01-20T10:30:00.009-05:00

One of my New Year's resolutions is to write a list of things to do every week and stick to it as much as possible. I prioritize household tasks like finances, food and education obviously but I also make note of knitting priorities as well.

I want to see if I can keep on top of things if I note them and stay focussed. I like to start something new every week, finish something and maintain progress (like on a blanket) so that I feel like everything is moving forward.

Last week I started and finished a Dark Side Cowl out of some left over Manos Del Uruaguay that I'd used to rug hook a wedding gift a few years back. It was a super satisfying pattern and since I'm ironically very low on winter woollies I got myself some heat.
I started and finished one of a pair of socks for Fenner. I know that her feet are small so this wasn't all that and a bag of crisps but I love that I STARTED AND FINISHED something in a week. It really reminded me of the true portability of simple socks. Expect to see more boring socks!

The colour isn't very visible here but I expect to finish these this week and will post better pictures next week.
In my progress bucket, I've finished the neverending applied I-Cord edging to Fenner's Mitred Crossing blanket. I'm looking forward to seeing the end product which at the rate I'm going should be next week! I finished this while nursing and watching The Big C.

I'm so satisfied with this blanket I can't wait to finish it.
Since I'm almost done the blanket of 2011 I had to pick up the yarn for the next long overdue blanket. In the picture below you'll see a painting in the background. It is a spectacular painting given to me in exchange for a handknit blanket...a year ago. It's time to get that party started. I hope to finish it in less than 6 months...
It was a great week. I finished Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott and started The Virgin Cure by Ami MacKay. Reading, writing and knitting are passions I've had a really hard time enjoying in the past few years. I am energized and inspired that appetite has reappeared. Progress is slow and interrupted by the will is strong.

"The first draft is the child's draft, where you let it all pour out and then let it romp all over the place, knowing that no one is going to see it and that you can shape it later. You just let this childlike part of you channel whatever voicess and visions come through and onto the page."

Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life.

The world around us.

2012-01-17T07:19:00.001-05:00

Last weekend we had our two nieces in the city. Our original plan was to do afternoon High Tea at the Park Hyatt or King Eddy but due to life schedules we opted for the Ontario Science Centre instead.

They arrived on Saturday afternoon after a drive from Barrie. There wasn't much time to do much so we went for a walk in my neighbourhood to stretch our legs.

The ravine in my neighbourhood is the perfect spot to run off energy. It's a small offshoot of the Taylor Creek Valley. This ravine seems to be magic to all children who enter it.
There is a perfectly sized creek that runs through across which trees have fallen. The creek is big enough to seem enormous to anyone under 20 and small enough that adults don't have to be afraid of hypothermia and drowning.

They scaled the bridge across river! I love it. The girls took a giant bite of challenge and succeeded and Fenner was so chuffed that she could have exploded.
Joy of joys. There was also a dead, rotting and frozen raccoon in the woods. While I spent the time gagging in the background, my brother in law played paleontologist with Fenner and Claire.

Fenner and Claire have a love that knows no bounds. Claire lives to care for and love people and Fenner lives to love Claire. It's very hard not to eat them both up.

My sister is fully in her second trimester. You can probably feel the glow from your screen right now. We are so excited for who she's brewing that we can hardly stand it. Judging by how spectacular she is looking this person is going to add a whole lot of love to our lives.
My 11 year old niece too Fenner to the moon on a jet pack. She is such a smart, charming and independant person to be with. She turned the hands of time using strength and determination and a series of cogs and wheels.Claire, an artistic soul, was rightly suspicious of our plan to spend the day doing 'science' but was quickly inspired by the Kids Park and declared in the end that she thought science was more fun than expected.

SCORE.
We had a ball. These kids can really change the way we view the world around us if we let them. It's inspiring.

Week 1 - Big Sister Blanket Seaming.

2012-01-13T12:23:00.001-05:00

It is well known that myself and my children are and have been well cherished by my knitting communities. I was lucky enough to have been pregnant with Fenner with two close knitting friends and our community knit her some beautiful blankets which we have used on many adventures. Jason hand washes them monthly and Fenner uses them as napping blankets at day care and as capes at home.

Our community Blanket from Lettuce Knit is made from the sadly discontinued Mission Falls line. Everyone knit a square and the Lettuce Knit ladies (Laura, Megan and Denny) finished the odious work of putting it together. It has stood the test of time beautifully.

Her summer blanket is a beautiful Mission Falls cotton blanket from Miko at The Purple Purl. This blanket still holds that timeless summer smell of sunscreen and baby head.

Couldn't you just melt?

Fenner used this as her summer nap blanket. When Marlowe joined us Fenner generously suggested that perhaps Marlowe could use it because it didn't fit Fenner any more.
At the end of the summer we were washing and hanging her blankets and she turned to me and asked for a bigger blanket. Given how well loved blankets are in my heart and our lives I could not say no.

I chose the Mitred Crossing blanket out of Noro Kureyon and Galway as Fenner's Big Sister Blanket. I finished knitting the squares during my puerperium period in bed with Marlowe but it has been languishing since then.

My goal was to put it together last week. No small feat given that the blocks are knitted together and then attached with a 3 needle bind off. It looks pretty great. The applied I-Cord border is getting put on as we speak (this week's goal).

I loved this blanket because the Noro Colourways enabled me to use all the colours that a 4 year old yearns for with some additions so I don't throw up on myself.
Today's Christmas moment that slays me. Girl in Green Dress Lounging.

Week 1 Tomten Completion

2012-01-13T08:04:00.000-05:00

In order to fully embrace the impossible temptation to start a million knitting projects in January, I made it a priority to take serious steps to finishing some never ending but beautiful projects. It gives me the added satisfaction of starting the year right.

Having finally finished a Tomten Jacket for Miss F. My goal was to add an I-Cord edging so that I could use sew on snaps as closures. It is beautiful.
Made out of Cascade bulky that I was 2 skeins short on, an especially challenging issue given that I bought the yarn over a year ago and none of my yarn shops carried it any more. It seems I have horsehoes up my trunk because Romni can always hook me up when I need it.

My goal this week is to buy the sew on snaps so I can put this beast to bed. I hope Mac Fab can help me with this.
I give you our Christmas Eve.

First week of 2012

2012-01-12T12:22:00.007-05:00

We had fantastic, food filled chilled out relaxed Christmas and holiday this year and I think it was all because Jason and I had a to do list every week and every day. We planned everything down tot the serving platters and attacked Christmas like mercenaries.

The Italian Job - but with more naps.

I started 2012 with a weekly knitters list in part to manage the terrible startitis I was experiencing but in an effort to track different projects.

Here's my Week 1 Knitter's List - There is a blog post for each.

1. Finish seaming the rows of Fenner's Blanket: Done
2. Finish Jason's sock - Done
3. Add edging to Fenners sweater - Done
4. Purchased next blanket yarn: Done

I have been knitting socks for Jason since January of 2011 and I had to finish them. This guy keeps me grounded and makes things so nice for me that it is easier to cluster nurse his young all night long. Hold on to your panties ladies. This picture is a bit pornographic.

I don't think I could knit socks for any other man. He loves the way they feel on his very large feet and he handwashes all of our woolies. He may be my favourite person to knit socks for which is too bad because his feet are humongous.

It felt great to get these off the needles. 2011 was a year of knitting false starts and slow inspiration so to finish these after such a long time was freeing.

When I cast off the socks I revisited the sock blanket I've been 'knitting' and restarted it. His sock yarn has been added to the blanket. I'd like to see if I can end this year more of this blanket done.

I already love this blanket and this is just a corner of what's been done on it. This will be for Jason and I.

I recognize I have posted nothing about our Christmas holidays. There is just so much that was great about it. Here is one of my favourite moments. Fenner wearing a smocked dress my grandmother made for me, singing at her first Christmas pageant.

New Year, New Month, New Year

2011-12-31T11:25:00.002-05:00

I am a resolution slut. I make new weeks' resolutions AND new months' resolutions. The fact that January 1, 2012 lands on a Sunday scratches my OCD resolution itch nicely.

This year is starting with a blank slate and a fresh beginning. The potential for adventure and life change is epic and my little family and I are going to start it right by playing at our cottage in the snow.

I hope you get all the new beginnings that you love!

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

2011-12-05T23:16:00.002-05:00

I'm having a great time. Started doing stand up, writing jokes, cooking, researching and trying to start a community garden.

Life is great and my girls are a great posse but finding time to write coherently about any one subject is virtually impossible.

Perhaps snippets are the way to go.

Also pictures, I'm finally getting a loose grip on my new camera - prepare yourselves for experimental amateur pictures galore.

Day 3: The leisure time of a SAHM

2011-11-04T20:05:00.007-04:00

I'm still knitting my sweater compulsively during all my 'leisure time' walking Marlowe to sleep. Typically I can get her to sleep in about a half an hour in a sling at which point I can put her down in the bouncy chair to continue sleeping and then I put my power pants on and go to town on the yarn.

On Wednesdays we go to the local Early Years Centre for a play date with a couple of Fenner's neighborhood friends. It's a great place to go for coffee someone else makes, snacks and
playtime. Especially on rainy days.

I don't know if other provinces have this program but basically the program is run out of public schools or libraries and offer resources for young mothers and children. It is a lifesaver in the middle of winter - toys, snacks, friends, adults, networking resources to help working mothers find childcare. Priceless.
Knitting can only be accomplished when Fenner is fed, watered, and entertaining herself. This cannot always be guarenteed so I have to make hay when I can. On Thursday and Friday she goes to daycare before and after school so if Marlowe is cooperating I have a chance.

Yesterday I proceeded to have my way with Shalom. It's going great - I expect to have a gauge, yarn or a tangle issue of some sort to occur at any moment.
Editor's Note: The term 'leisure time' used at the beginning of this post is used to describe the sense of luxury a working mother might feel at being accountable for an incredibly important and brief part of her families life together. Believe it or not. It is far more difficult and far more gratifying to take care of one's family than it is a client's report.

Day 2 Death toll: Zero.

2011-11-03T16:07:00.005-04:00

Risking mockery on the schoolyard (literally) I knit all day. With Marlowe on my front and my knitting bag on my wrists, while dropping Fenner off and picking Fenner up. On my way to Stitch and Bitch, through a bottle of wine, a large poutine and on my way back home. I knit.

I am halfway through the yoke of my sweater. Did not get beat up in the school yard nor was I forced to bludgeon anyone. Both children and my partner in crime are alive and, to the best of my knowledge, most of my satellite relationships are intact.
This is satisfactory progress. I'd like to think I could be at the end of the yoke and be starting the short sleeves tomorrow but that is pretty aggressive.

Perhaps tomorrow we will return to our regularly scheduled programming of adorable babies and children, perhaps a cat shot.

National Sweater Knitting Month!

2011-11-02T13:24:00.008-04:00

For the past year my knitting mojo has been on the slow and steady side. It's been tedious and uninspired. Non knitters might view the act of knitting as a whole in this way but that perception can only be from a place of little experience. I have found knitting to be a barometer for my focus and energy. It has been a pregnant and slow moving year for me.

Since having Marlowe I feel re-energized again. I need to do something extreme to reboot my knitting passion again. As such, I am attempting NaNoSweMo. In a moment of sheer insanity I was going to try NaNoWriMo but then I had to hold a baby for 5 hours. I can knit and carry a baby but I cannot string a coherant story together at the same time.

I needed something simple, warm and bulky to help me through this winter and thus I chose the Shalom Cardigan in Cascade Eco Wool. Lettuce Kni t has a bunch of cardis in this style and I love the cosiness of them.

On Day 1 I picked up the yarn after dropping F off at school and cast on after dinner. By the end of Day 1 I had the first repeat of the pattern completed.
The morning of Day 1 was spent exploring a ravine park just 2 blocks east of our house. While going for a walk with Jason we went down some stairs by the side of the road and ended up in a huge ravine!
There was a small creek that Fenner thinks is perfect for fishing and I think is perfect for not drowning in. There is a forest! It's a low woodsy 'hike' to take energetic 4 year olds.

Easy access, low effort and high return on investment. Fenner was exhausted last night from climbing on logs and bridges.
No one has ever mentioned this place to me. Is it a secret? Is this how the sane seeming mothers on the street keep it together?

It is an amazing find - it will be great in the winter for Fenner to practice snowshoeing and exhausting play. Maybe it was the sun shining through the last of the fall leaves but it was a breathtaking find.

Four Years Today.

2011-10-25T10:05:00.014-04:00

Last night Fenner woke up at 2:00 am from a dream. Just about the exact time she was born 4 years ago. I snuck out of my bed to curl up with her and fell asleep with her cheek pressed against mine. The first time since Marlowe was born and we tangled up the way we like and fell asleep in the warmth of her bed.

Logically, I recognize that I should not be amazed this delicious little pork bun who made me a fierce Mom.

Picture taken by the fabulous Jacquie Blackman

Grew into this little baby with a charming disposition.

Picture by Michelle Hotchin

This amazing little person who travels easily (as long as we let her roam). Charming the pants off of the most hardened of stewards and passengers. Be it by plane, car or boat she has got game.

Not only is she game for adventure but she has become this insatiably curious person who loves to check out the world around her. A person who loves to be at the cottage in all seasons and climes.
On cold days with appropriate gear she's endless for the outside.
To be able to watch this person trying out the world on her own schedule widens my perspective and expands my own horizons. To see her strike out in the unknown gives me courage to try new things and to practice what is hard to do at first go.

I know that these are all the natural stepping stones of humanity and that given proper care and treatment all kids go through these stages.

It just seems so very dangerous and unlikely. She was so small and helpless it seems impossible that they could make it through the gauntlet of my clumsiness and of life's twists. For god's sake her head was so big her spine couldn't hold it up and her feet were only ONE INCH LONG.

Such questionable engineering that leads to such a magical person.

Look at her now. Happy Fourth Fenner.

Enter the Pie Man

2011-10-24T11:50:00.001-04:00

The Pie Man woke up on Saturday with the a craving to transform the Good Food Box bag of apples into a pie. Now that there are two kids at play and interrupted sleep at night, projects like this are more fun as family effort and require far less wine when both of us are home.

The last time he felt this hankering he delivered a homemade spectacular Lemon Meringue Pie.
We do not get in the way of the Pie Man.

The process is not so solitary now - he will start it up but then Fenner gets in to "help" and I come in to help the four year old 'help' thus preventing foul language of frustration from the chef and Fenner. Turns out the kid is aces at pastry work in her 3 minute window of focus.
Marlowe passed out in her rocker and required picking up only when we were engaged in dough rolling, cutting, peeling or whatever else. The point being, it's impossible to deliver a project from start to finish without interruption anymore.

Once Marlowe engages, I'm tagged out and Fenner starts to 'help' me. This usually involves some story reading to the two of them. If Fenner is lucky, a puzzle gets pulled out. She recently informed me that I can no longer play Strawberry Shortcake because I don't do it right.

I'm so totally cool with that rejection.

This pie crust presented Jason a couple of opportunities:: his first lattice work and the first time using Lard from the Flying Pigs Farm. If it wasn't for the recent vaginal delivery of a 9 lb baby I would have totally put out. That shit is sexy yo.
At this point it has taken two adults and the questionably defined aid of a four year old almost three hours to bake a pie.

Give in to the reality that this is slow cooking at it's best.

Better late than never

2011-10-20T13:21:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago we drove up to the cottage for an unseasonably warm Thanksgiving weekend.

The whole family gathers with a couple of close friends for dinner and walks in the woods. It is my favourite weekend at the cottage. This is the weekend that keeps me chasing the dragon of the perfect long cottage weekend.
The weekend includes everything that is priceless about having a family cottage. The Ontario landscape, fresh air, space to explore and the family to explore it with. We relive Thanksgiving turkey hijinks from years gone by. Like the year it snowed 6 inches and we lost power intermittently so that we had to move the turkey from oven to barbecue and back again every time the power flickered. The old folks estimate that the bird of 1991 still had more mileage on it than my family who had driven over 1000 km to the cottage did.

There was also the first year we barbecued the turkey over an open fire. With a broomstick...and lots of beer for the person responsible for turning the spit.

But mostly I love the majestic foliage. It takes my breath away.
Inspiration springs eternal in fall. The moss is lush, the forest explorable and Echo Rock gets climbed from the woods instead of the lake giving us a completely different experience of a rock that we've been climbing all our lives.

It's too cold for swimming which inspires creative exploration of the forest which had been ignored throughout the hot summer.

The fresh air knocks everyone out in front of the fire, books get read, knitting gets knit and quiet moments are fully appreciated.
After all, when you wake up from your nap you are engulfed by the almost two dozen people waiting to snuggle, 'discuss', cook and opine with you.

Ah, c'est la belle vie!

Maybe..

2011-10-15T04:28:00.004-04:00

it's the whiskey talking or that episode of Community I just watched. I am overtaken by the desperate urge to learn how to play Dungeons and Dragons.

Jason flat out refused. I think he's missing out.

Out of practise

2011-10-13T19:44:00.004-04:00

I am sorely out of practice. Managing house and home, family and friends, food and budget. Juggling it all and feeling like an engaged and critically thinking adult is a skillset that is cultivated and groomed.

When it all goes right there is nothing that feels more victorious. I'm sure I'll get into the swing of it again but this week feels a lot like a grind. It took four days to recover from a long weekend away. No food, no money, no energy.

Not sure what I was thinking when I set up a play date on the first day back with an empty fridge and my mushed up mind. It's Friday tomorrow and if I play my cards right tonight I might be ready for the weekend.

Yeesh. Someone out there needs to buy their local Mom a cocktail. At least these two are mostly so sweet..

Bird by Bird

2011-10-11T21:14:00.004-04:00

Apparently, I need to get back into the habit of writing thoughts outside of my head. Here is my first night back at it.

On September 13th at 11:17 Marlowe Francis was born. Sixteen days past her estimated date of confinement. At home. It was amazing. She is four weeks old today and my memories of her birth are starting to get romantic. I have a shitty first draft of her birth story that I am working on and have been since I started maternity leave.

If you'd like to read about the experience from our Doula's perspective you can check it out on my dear friend Steph's website.

Maybe one day I'll share it here. All I will say, is that the name of this blog has never been more appropriate.

Meet Marlowe.

I can still read...

2011-08-17T20:54:00.005-04:00

Not very quickly and certainly not reliably but I'm still literate! Between work, motherhood, being a good Partner in Crime and general member of society I find my reading has fallen off the chart.

What I'm actually saying is that I have fallen prey to a rookie parenting mistake; reading in bed. Don't even get me started about writing, if you've been reading this blog for any amount of time - you may have enjoyed more prolific periods in my past. Long ago. I believe that

I'm reading Anne Lamont's book, Bird by Bird; some Instructions on Writing and Life right now. I haven't read any of her books but she has been recommended to my by some incredibly funny, literate and talented women.

It's taking awhile but I have been laughing obnoxiously on the streetcar. Something that needs to be done every day. That's what I'm missing, now to find out how and where. There has to be some time to be found.
I also deeply appreciated the entire chapter on 'Shitty First Drafts' - without which there can never be spectacular essays.

I've always thought the finished product just happened if you had any talent. Turns out the difference between a hack and a writer is that a writer can make it through that first draft.

It's nice to know I'm not a complete imbecile - just unfocussed. I wonder if this second child will help me get through my second draft.

A functioning Cog

2011-07-29T00:01:00.006-04:00

I haven't been obsessed with an opening refrain to a song like this in years. I love being pregnant because there is no time that I'm more clear on what I might be serving beyond me. If someone could send me a memo for the machine I'm a part of outside of motherhood I would be super appreciative!

"I was raised up believing I was somehow unique
like a snowflake distinct among snowflakes
unique in each way you can see;
and now after some thinking,
I'd say I'd rather be
a functioning cog in some great machinery
serving something beyond me.

But I don't know I don't know what that would be."

Developmental Leap

2011-07-25T21:52:00.004-04:00

Her dad is reading her bedtime stories in the room next to me. I am reading my own story in our room. The sound of their quiet discussion of the book is soothing me into a comfortable, guilt free rest.

She is stirring and fighting the sleep. I can hear the undercurrent of her father's patience being tested and she starts to cry sadly with her father cooing tiredly beside her. The happy noises have jumped tracks and the evening moves into an edgy territory - where patience can fly out the door and the beautiful evening sounds break.

I get up to poke my head in after listening for the code we have asking me not to disturb their dance from her father. I get no sign to hold off and enter the room. Fenner is sitting cross legged crying for me to come and snuggle her.

After a weekend away with my friends I did not need to be invited twice. I curl up next to her and she tangles her limbs in mine, her chubby kid fingers tangled in my hair. She spoons my belly and sighs.

I run my hands through her sweaty curls and we snuggle tightly. She falls asleep in my arms, wound around my belly and my body like the part of me that she is. I lie there for an hour not wanting to break apart from this moment, knowing that there are going to be fewer and fewer of them as she grows up and away.

It is a strange sensation to be learning how to be that safe harbour of motherhood that will last for the rest of her life.

Knowing that even now, as a successful professional woman, artist, wife and mother, when I am sick and sad and troubled, I long for my mother's touch brushing my hair away from my forehead and gently rocking me to sleep in her safe embrace.

Trigger Finger

2011-07-25T12:56:00.003-04:00

What is with this incredible urge to buy unnecessary stuff? I have written lists for Ikea, iTunes, Books, baby clothes and baby accessories THAT ARE RIDICULOUS.

It takes me months to read a book and we don't need any equipment for the new bean.

Baby cravings in a consumer society.

Happily Ever After...

2011-07-17T20:41:00.005-04:00

Jason and I got married six years ago yesterday - it was one hot motherfucking day. There were heat storms all around us.

My cottage family went out into the swampy wilderness to collect beautiful bull rushes, fire weed and Queen Anne's Lace to decorate our wedding. The power didn't go out, it didn't rain on us and we've been blessed ever since.

This guy makes me laugh, brings me perspective when I'm so wound up I can't see straight, anchors me when I want to run to the wild blue yonder and supports me through some of the hardest times of my life.

Did I mention that he makes me laugh?

Bachelor night

I count Jason (and his large feet) among my many blessings.

Creativity on the Road

2011-07-07T02:54:00.001-04:00

We never travel without a blank sketch pad or writing book. Jason has a real talent for cartoon sketches and can amuse Fenner for at least an hour drawing entire stories en route. Between drawing and small puzzles we can amuse Fenner through immigration line ups and baggage check in.

This last trip we acquired a fantastic toy.

When Fenner was less than a year old I went to New York for business. I was a fresh Mom and she was a fresh baby and we didn't want to be apart so Jason and Fenner came with me. She was too wee to appreciate anything and we were a little tight on cash but Jason saw the 'Make a Muppet' and it became an item on his bucket list.

I think we'll invest in a couple of sock puppets to be portable creative fun toys as inspired by this Muppet.

He and Fenner made a muppet on this last trip. Oddly, the Muppet (Purple Miss) reminds me of my Auntie Anne.
Fenner signing off on her design.
In Action.

My creative outlet is a little bit more portable, while they enjoyed their Muppet making, I finished my Ishbel shawl. Made out of some amazing Indigodragonfly MCN that I bought over a year ago.

These pictures were taken at the Union Square kids park a block North of the flat my friend kindly lent me.
It turned out exactly right, a small portable scarf for cool evenings in the country or the city. When I started knitting, the colours made me think of my friend Judy; muted steel, with hints of jewel tones that really pop out at you. It is soft and smooshy and comforting.

Exactly like my friend.

Debunking

2011-07-05T21:18:00.001-04:00

To the men who yelled at me for being an irresponsible mother because I bike to work. If riding a bike led to miscarriages there would be far fewer desperate housewives and pregnant teens. What does lead to injury and death is a lack of bike lanes.

Let's redirect your energy to city hall shall we? I hear the Jarvis bike lane (which I used every day) is in jeopardy. Saving that bike lane would keep me and my unborn child safer than heckling me. Swear to god.
Pregnant women are unsinkable in the ocean in Jamaica. Demonstrated by my inability to snorkel more than four inches below the surface. Swear to god - snorkeling poses no danger to myself no matter how hard I tried!

This was the most enjoyable myth to debunk I have to be honest!
We've had a fantastic last 2 months here at Casa De Breeders. Many laughs and luxurious trips - we are hunkering down for the last 7 weeks as a threesome family. Trying to get all the snuggles, adventures and family moments locked down in memory before the chaos of a newborn throws us all for a loop.

Bikes and Knitting

2011-06-09T20:09:00.002-04:00

Two of my favourite things figure heavily in this video. Also, she's wearing the same pink dress that I used to have during one of the best times of my life.

Good thoughts for the night.

Work life balance

2011-06-09T02:25:00.003-04:00

I am dreaming about some roadblocks we are working around in a project at work. These dreams are better than the ones I have about the measles epidemic. I am vaccinated and I couldn't remember if Fenner was vaccinated or not.

My typical vaccination strategy is to wait until Fenner was of an age that the disease I am vaccinating against actually poses a true risk to her development. I didn't think Tetanus was likely to be an issue when she was 6 weeks old so I held off until she was 14 months and mobile with a care giver to get her vaccinated. Now, before you get up in my grill - I. Am. Not. Antivaccination. These decisions were made with my Paediatrician and my husband.

Originally, the MMR vaccination was scheduled for when she was child bearing age (11 or 12) since the real threat of the Measles/Mumps/Rubella (MMR) is to fetal development.

When I was 19 I looked after a girl who was the same age as myself in Northern Ontario. Her parents needed someone to look after their 19 year old daughter because she was a Rubella Child. If there is a job that will instill a healthy respect for a well timed and rigorous use of vaccines to control disease in a young woman, this was it.

I can't believe I had to wake up, find Fenner's tiny and barely fleshed out immunization record to confirm that this one was on it. I can't believe that this need was combined with a need to write an email to my colleague about testing my solution first thing in the morning.

Work life balance is a myth.

Let there be light

2011-06-01T20:46:00.004-04:00

Today I attended TEDx HumberCollege. It was the inaugural TEDx event at Humber and the theme was "More than Words"

It was great. I love language and the different ways to play with it. The speakers came at the theme from a number of different perspectives: A linguist, an anthropologist, a PR student, some Fundraisers and a musician to name a few.

Margaux Smith spoke about being new to the workplace environment and referenced something called the Imposter Syndrome. This really created a context for the discomfort I feel in my professional life. I particularly love the recommended resolution to it "Fake it til you make it." Don't lie but live the the life you want to be living. It takes practise but start it up.

Dr. Steckley spoke about what the 11 aboriginal languages have to teach us about cultural psychology should we choose to learn the languages. Imagine what the impact of not having references for gender, guilt and comparative superlatives (You're the most/biggest/best..) I've been trying to minimize my references to gender since then and it's an exercise in adjusting the platform of gender relations.

The audience for these events tend to be open minded and engaged folks from all industries and walks of life. I expected healthy discussion and small talk which for the most part was an expectation fulfilled. It still amazes me how pregnancy makes me public property in all groups as demonstrated while I was getting a coffee and had the man behind me suggest that perhaps he shouldn't be letting me get it....

I was actually proud of my response this time. "Well sir, I'm almost forty years old so you're off the hook. I will make my own decisions thank you." HOW IS THIS STILL SOMETHING THAT IS HAPPENING!? Was he expecting me to be a chronic alcoholic with a drug problem? Is coffee a gateway drug?

I hoped to be this lucky.

2011-05-31T21:43:00.000-04:00

Jason, Fenner and I just got back from our 8 day New York City adventure. Our close friend and Fenner’s Godmother, Carolyn (Coco), joined us for the first 4 days and really made the weekend luxurious – three adults to one child really facilitates sanity.

If Fenner had to choose anyone to go on adventures with, it would be with Coco. You see, Coco, is Scottish in work ethic and drive. Coco, doesn’t need naps and Coco is very very clear about her expectations of good behavior and good manners. Clear rules are a relief to three year old people.

At FAO Schwartz Storytime gummy bears in tow

Fenner, being a quick study, learned very quickly that with good manners and a respect for logic she could finnagle a bulk candy store at FAO Schwartz and score the good stuff.

I have been friends with Carolyn for almost 17 years now somehow making it through tenuous relationships, distance and douchey behaviour. We were both raised fairly nomadic and seem to have the same pragmatic view of saying adieu when moving away.

I think that outside of my family my friendship with Coco is the longest relationship I've had. A particularly nice thing considering her incredibly irritating habit of slipping into a prosecutorial tone when she disagrees with me and my incredibly irritating habit of judging harshly on a whim.

Always game for an adventure in Algonquin Park, New York City or Canoe she can do it all, exactly the type of woman you would want your daughters to be exposed to. She is moving off for adventures overseas next year and we are going to miss her greatly. How magical that Coco will always be the person that introduced Fenner to the piano at FAO.

Here she is laughing really hard at a butt joke from our night on the town. I will miss her greatly.

Slowing Down

2011-05-26T21:05:00.001-04:00

It’s Day 6 of our NYC adventure and we are slowing down.

I tried to go see the Moth in SoHo tonight. Due to an extended subway ride (missed my stop) I ended up near the end of the very extensive line up. Sold out 10 people in front of me – ouch! This event is verging on mythical levels of difficulty to see.

Not one to give up my solo evening in SoHo, I went for a fancy glass of wine and dinner by myself in a “Deli” full of excruciatingly hip and hungry looking people.

The waiter bought the wine for me and called me “Darling’ from the moment I sat down. I suspect my vertical striped shirt hid my delicate condition…until I got stuck between two tables trying to leave anyway.

I got home at 8:30 and am debating a late night show at UCB…tune in next time to see if the very pregnant Mamma stays awake past 10:00 pm!

Fenner climbed the Alice in Wonderland statue at Central Park, our go to on sunny hot days it seems. It’s kind of fun that we’re reading Stuart Little right now and had just finished the story of the boat race in the pond across from this statue.

When life gives you lemons...go for dumplings

2011-05-14T23:54:00.008-04:00

Parenting lesson of April:

Lesson 1:

When your daughter is crabby for one to seven days it could be regression due to a new fundamental skill acquisition. If your daughter is crabby and coughing like she had been smoking for 35 years....you probably have a dose of the croupe. There is nothing you can do for this except for go out or dumplings after you find out there is nothing you can do.
Good news: Cold air helps relieve the coughing.
Lesson #2

Easter Monday is a stat holiday for daycares and public schools. Not for private companies though. Fresh homemade donuts help smooth the way for bring your kid to work day.

Lesson #3

My daughter and I have completely different early childhood cultural exposure. I, when given the opportunity to choose my lunch before the age of 19, would have chosen poutine. She chooses Sushi.
We are in New York City right now and Fenner has been absolutely amazing. It is more fun and challenging than I thought it would be to travel with my family like this. I'm glad we started practicing with this trip.

Experiments in Shaking Off the Mojo

2011-04-17T19:52:00.016-04:00

I came out of last week with such a bad case of the reverse Midas touch that I actually walked my bike home on Friday night to prevent any more disasters. Everything I touched fell to pieces in such an amazing way that it led to a mortifying public display of frustration and exhaustion.

Something had to change. I had lost perspective on my work and that can lead nowhere fulfilling and strengthening. I unplugged on Friday and Saturday and began again this morning.

To begin again, I tried to focus on the moment I was in. I got up with Fenner, we engaged in our favorite morning baking scones while Jason got some much deserved sleep. He gave me my sleep on Friday and Saturday, it's only fair.

We started strong by wisely ignoring the weather shit show. She makes the cold look sweet but it's because she's a grifter.
I did the work I needed to do to set up my week, did some writing, played with my family at the park and am now going to settle in for knitting. So far there has been no shit. The reverse Midas touch has been held at bay for the first day of the week.

The game is afoot and I'm off to a decent start.

Rainy day

2011-04-16T20:48:00.002-04:00

I have been working to recover from an ass kicker of a week and prep for the next two ass kickers. On the upside J and I are currently sitting on the couch reading our books having a glass of wine and listening to Fenner read her book upstairs in her bedroom BY HERSELF.

This has never happened. Just like spontaneous sleeping has never occurred. This kid wants to be a part of the action as long as anyone is awake.

In the past three weeks I think she realized that she has a limited monopoly on our attention and has decided to try and max it out. It's been hard. She hasn't been this clingy since she was an infant.

I have some great rainy day pics trapped on the phone which isn't communicating with the laptop. Treats for another day. In the meantime I'm enjoying listening to her read herself to sleep.

Friday Night

2011-03-11T20:34:00.002-05:00

I am really feeling the burn of this weather. I biked to work today in order to maintain the illusion that I am not a sugar cube. Even wore a skirt under my rain pants.

The sense of empowerment got me through until this afternoon when the burn from the week kicked in. One of the amazing mothers on the street picked Fenner up from school and I met them there for a chat and a sit down after work.

We got an amazing gift this week from my Aunt Sally that I will be writing about as soon as there is enough light to take pictures.

A beautiful dress for Fenner made in the colours of spring. It is everything a 3 year old girl wants, colourful, spinny, there are flowers sewn onto it and it is hand smocked. Fenner calls the smocking her rainbow.

Highlight of the last two weeks.

Nothing wrong with a healthy case of denial.

2011-03-08T08:42:00.001-05:00

See what I did there? DENIED YO!

My prolific friend is quite right when she described me as a denialist (MADE UP WORD!). I've been known to be a denier of reality in all sorts of charming contexts. Jason may contest this claim as he perhaps has witnessed the less charming moments of this terrible habit. You might say "Impossible!" but it's true.

Perhaps the case of Dr. Frank's champagne purchased while I was on holiday in the Finger Lakes WAS over kill. Perhaps. If I admit to that though, I would be suggesting that the delicious champers I enjoyed through the fall and winter was a terrible mistake.

That is not going to happen.

Perhaps it was while under the influence of aforementioned champers, that I thought 100 extra stitches at the cast on end of my Birch Shawl was a whole lot of nothing. It is a dissatisfying moment in this knitter's cast off career to have my finished object be too small to be a shawl and too large to be a shawlette.

100 stitches in KidSilk Haze is nothing more than a couple of champagne corks lined up in a row! That's nothing!

Well, 2 months later in November, as I was nearing the end of my third and last ball of the Liquor Colourway (the irony didn't escape me either). I did what any professionial denialist would do.

I stopped knitting. When I revisited my leviathan 1 month later. I could no longer deny that those tiny 100 stitches were going to equal close to an additional 2 balls of yarn. This was quickly becoming the pet project of a mad scientist planning to take over the world with the beautiful halo of a high end mohair/silk blend.After raiding Romni's and Dr. Steph's last Liquor stash. I finally got to the end. What was until that fateful night, the fabled last stitch.

I cast her off. She is magnificent, worth every moment of blatant denial of reality and logic. She is warm and large. The perfect shield against what some people are suggesting is the continuation of winter.

Fools, from behind this lacy deliciousness, hope springs eternal!

Creative energy

2011-03-07T19:52:00.007-05:00

I am somwhere in between week 13 and 16 of being pregnant. It is from this point until 35 weeks that is probably the only reason women keep getting pregnant.

My energy is back within reason. Once in awhile I'll forget and end up at a friend's place at 11:00pm after a full day...energy suddenly gone. This is the period that basic biological imperatives become indisputable - sleep, exercise, food, water. If I don't have a constant supply of these four items terrible things are likely to happen to innocent bystanders.

About 3 weeks ago a fifth requirement showed it's face. Creativity. I have a need to have multiple options for creative outlets available to me at all times. Spinning, knitting, baking, small bits of writing, jokes, music, painting with Fenner. All nuclear home based pleasures, the more on the go the better. I am fickle and the itch I must scratch can change with the weather.

Last Tuesday an urge that has been coming and going for the past 2 years came back and would not be ignored. Like many urges right now, it could not be ignored and so, I warped and began to weave. It is nice to know that there is so much room for me to grow in this new area.

Bring it on Snowmageddon

2011-02-01T20:22:00.000-05:00

We are lucky enough to have a couple friends who are winter enthusiasts, to put it lightly. I have enjoyed winter in the past but like all lifestyle habits - winter requires regular participaction to maintain enjoyability.

With a three year old it is easy to fall out of practice so for Christmas, we invested in a family set of snowshoes which we took out for a test drive in January.
A gaggle of us drove the short distance to Rouge Park for some good clean family fun.
Fenner had the perfect endurance, for her age, turns out the endurance of a three year old through snow works out to be about 5 minutes with snowshoes and 20 without.
The fresh air induced apple cheeks were worth the goading time. Thank god for good friends to spell Jason off pulling her on the tobaggan.
She took to the snowshoes really well. I think once she may just be a natural. We talked about life the universe and everything while enjoying the peace of a snow covered outside world.
Jason demonstrated just what fatherhood does to a man's waistline and was pretty much the primary sled dog. I spelled him off when necessary but the guy has some obscene work ethic that makes asking for help virtually impossible.

In any case, he was a super star. I know that doing this on my own would have been it's own special kind of frustrating!
It was one of those magical days that felt like a million dollars. Good friends, good food, just enough challenge to make us feel like we'd accomplished but not so much that we were stressed out.

Our friends really inspired us - thanks Carolyn, Melissa, Amy and Sarah!

2010-12-30T21:20:00.006-05:00

Dear Martha,

Still standing? Hope not, you should be having a nap right now. It's December 30th and with god as my witness I mean to end this year as I mean to go on in 2011, with perceived control.

Thanks for the dreamy scarf this year, right up my alley, you are a genius. Also, the fact we got to visit at Sally's was a great bonus, and I'm sure I'm not alone on this, the pleasure was tripled by the fact we didn't need to discuss/adjust the plan 4 times to make it happen. Go Team!

It seems so long ago now that visit. We've gone sledding, had no less than 3 holiday meals and traveled upwards of 2000 km since December 18th. No wonder I'm feeling a bit...taut.
I had a dream on the 23rd that was the perfect analogy for how I felt on Christmas Eve when Fenner was still throwing up at 6:00 pm.

In my dream, it's December 23rd. Jason and I had just finished wrapping the last of the gifts and were finalizing our list of what needs to get packed in the car on Christmas Eve before we drive to see our families.

Fenner and I were settling down to read a bed time story and there is a knock at the door. Lo and behold it's old St. Nick himself! Fenner squeals with joy, he has 1 cookie sheet and 1 gingerbread man cookie cutter in his hand and offers them to me with a pleading look in his eye and says, "Help me! Mrs. Claus has fallen sick and there is no one to bake Christmas Gingerbread Men for all the good little girls and boys of the world!"

At which point, I say, "Seriously? Is that a magic cookie pan because from what I can tell I can't make more than 6 men at a time on that?" Fenner gasps and looks at me accusingly. How dare I say no to SANTA MOTHERFUCKING CLAUS!

These cookies...they are the source of Christmas spirit! (Internal Commentary: If so important why not started earlier? Are you sure Mrs Claus is ill and not gone?)

The dream ended with me, as the enemy of all things Christmas, waking up in a cold sweat on December 27th after as perfect a Christmas as we could have hoped for but I thought it really was a spectacular manifestation of my feelings from Dec. 1-26th.

Clearly, feeling a little raw this year. What with the influenza, travel and now a cold, I actually believe that the Christmas Spirit was trying to kill us this year. Perhaps I really am Jewish and this is the way Christianity is trying not so subtly to give me the boot.

Next year, though, is going to be amazing! I've already started planning the stockings and possible cookbooks to research. I feel that if we used another type of bird altogether Christmas perfection could be achieved, perhaps a Goose instead of a Turkey is the key.

Thoughts?

Your loving niece,

Jen

The journey of Christmas

2010-12-17T22:27:00.027-05:00

This time of year really brings home the emotional double smoked, organic bacon from start to finish. We were lucky enough to start the season with our urban family party. It involves songs, stories, 'what's new letters and a committed start to the gorging season.

Like all families, our urban family is scattering to different cities and to the open seas so getting everyone together leads to photographic moments that have defined long term relationships for many many years.

We sang long, passionately and with gusto!
All of us together, with our children, new jobs and new loves. It was the perfect kick off.
It was followed by a smaller tree dressing party. We have a large collection of ornaments made by my family through the generations. Exhibit A would be my Poppa's Festive Manta Ray. Exhibit B, our niece's first Christmas lightbulb reindeer, she was 5 when she made it and I love it.

My wonderful Aunt Sally makes us or gives us very special ornaments every year. If you look closely you'll see this year's flower nests.
After that tree was up, Christmas began in earnest. My bio-family is also spreading out and growing and being together on Christmas day is increasingly impossible so we get together a week early for a sleigh ride in Barrie.

You can see almost everyone here but mostly, notice the snow. It was fantastic. I miss snow.
This year we almost got everyone, my sister Charlotte worked nights over the entire holiday period so was unable to attend. We have big plans for 100% attendance next year. I like these people a lot.
The sleigh ride is the brainchild of this lovely sibling. Liz is one smart cookie who knows that if we don't keep busy, trouble arises in the form of too much liquid Christmas spirit. Also, it's hard not to be in the festive spirit singing carols that one's 10 year old niece has organized!
We were so lucky that Liz and Pat got to spend so much time with us in Toronto, Barrie and Brockville. Fenner is in deep love with both of them and the seemingly limitless amount of energy they have for snow play.
We had Christmas dinner with both of our families at one table. They love each other. The table was in Charlotte's old home where she has been renovating since FEBRUARY. It was warm, welcoming and filled with laughter. Everything Christmas dinner should be and more.

Jason has perfected multiple cheesecake recipes and thus inspiring another 3 of my 50 New Year's resolutions. If my father had any questions about his son in law, the cheesecake has turned him into a committed somewhat worrisome fan.

I had no idea cheesecake was the way to the patriarch's heart.
It would be easy to say that Christmas was the smooth and seamless event that I remember of my youth but I would be leaving out fantastic stories of influenza, patient zero and whole family trees being felled by the bug brought by little Patient Zero.
It really speaks to the commitment of our entire family that I think every single Auntie, Grandpa and Grandma was willing to sit and read and snuggle with Typhoid Mary every chance they could.

After the dust of life settles, isn't that all we can hope for. Family to help us recover from what ails us and celebrate, standing together at the end of the day
My sister walking through the woods with Fenner exploring forts and finding bunnies. Thanks Charlotte for hosting one of the best Christmases ever.

Joy in the seemly mundane.

2010-12-04T21:37:00.003-05:00

I have friend that has stuck by me through many years, personal mishaps, temper tantrums and terrible relationships. This friend is obviously the keeper of my daughter's heart and Godmother.

Weeks and weeks ago, she asked me if she could give Fenner an advent calendar because it's a great tradition. Jason and I are floundering a little on the nuclear family traditions so I gratefully accepted.

Flash forward to Nov 28th when she presents Fenner's calendar. 23 gifts beautifully labeled and pinned with felt stars and numbers to strings. It was Christmas magic. The gifts are thoughtful and beautiful. We are all in swoony love with this.

Here's Fenner wearing yesterday's gift, from waking up to bedtime, with some pauses to share the crown with her friend Ella.
The day to day grind of getting into the swing of a new office has felt less and less grindy. Thank god because I was beginning to think I would have to invest in some medication to facilitate adaptation for all eternity.

I think I finally felt that level of comfort when a coworker asked me if I might be able to darn some mittens that his Gran made him. He then whips these beauties out.

I can't lie. My heart skipped a beat. Newfoundland Trigger Mitts
He has had these mittens long enough to wear them thin on the thumb and index finger. I told him that he is the dream profile for mitten knitters everywhere.
I loved mending them. As I said to Bob, I think his Gran would have slapped me because darning isn't so much my strength but he'll get another couple seasons out of them.

My own knitting is progressing. I am heading it into the final third of my shawl and have knit a couple of Le Slouches to get my fix of finished objects. Satisfyingly easy. The more simple I make the joys I get from home the easier it is to reach a little further everywhere else.

Running, knitting, spinning, working, visiting, parenting.

Tick Tock

2010-11-23T20:06:00.002-05:00

I am sitting here waiting for my iPhone to finish uploading new software. It's run night and I use two apps to get excited about running. Try not to judge too harshly that I am this reliant on technology to get off of my ass.

Couch to 5K to help me get up to 5 km without hurting myself or getting discouraged. Runkeeper to see how fast and to map where I run using GPS. Podcasts to keep me distracted from how annoyed I get when I'm tired. So far I find music messes with my breathing although on Sunday I listened to the CBC Radio 3 Podcast and added .5 km to my distance!

It is Week 6 of running with only two weeks that I slacked off, one in October and one recently in November. I am nominally proud of starting this habit but I am super proud that I got back on it after slacking off - that used to be my cue to bail on anything.

Evolution indeed.

Make the time.

2010-11-22T21:24:00.005-05:00

This post is brought to you by my sister Liz who recently sent me an article about how if you achieve life balance then you're probably doing life missionary style (my words not hers). That is to say balance is boring. Balance means that I'm probably aren't challenged on some level or another. To continue the analogy...I'm not grabbing the bull by the moustache...I mean horns

This is why it's so hard to achieve. Every time I do I throw another log on the fire!

My inner dialogue goes something like this when I achieve anything resembling balance, "What's that? Juggling an amazing family, new job, cooking, running, knitting lace, reading, volunteering and seeing some friends some of the time?

WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEEN WRITING THEN?!!!"

Quite frankly, that inner voice is a bit of a bitch so I generally take her insanity with a grain of salt but she does have a point. I am going to see if I can take writing as the priority that playing, running and working is. Like language, writing needs to be practiced or the ability to do it will be lost.

Work is getting better and better. I have been focused on improving my business writing which has been more fun that I thought it could have been 6 months ago. It freaks me out thinking that my personal writing is at an all time low. My rented brain isn't coming back to me in the same condition as I rented it out....

Making time to make food has become culturally entrenched in our family - baking on the weekends and cooking on weeknights. Before you get all high and mighty on me about meeting basic expectations. Cooking from scratch takes at least a third of our time at home. I do not exaggerate when I say we arrive home between 5:30 and 6:00 and spend the next hour to hour and a half cooking dinner.

We have less practical fun with it on the weekends!
Making time to go running has become a matter of mental health - both for J and for me. The energy I get from a run gives me another 3 hours at the end of a day. It also chills me out so that Jason feels no need to call Therapy-911.

Making time to make art. Just happens. I'm still not sure how but at the end of the day - it takes a lot longer to get to one but finished objects find their way of the needles. Clearly, my blanket stitch could use a bit of practice...goals are good!
I have no idea how everyone does this. I feel like I am the only one who at the end of the week feels like the motherfucking King of the Castle - I only have one kid!!! How the hell do/did my Aunt, Mother, Sister-in-Law and neighbors do it?!

She's not even in extracurriculars yet! What was I thinking....tune in next time for something a little less self involved...or maybe more.

Hard to pick just one moment

2010-10-25T22:01:00.005-04:00

Three years ago today I became a mother.
Our family is more than the walls that we live in because of that day 3 years ago.
Our family has been increased by the love of a community who has become our family.
We have been tied and anchored to the roots of our family tree by this little sapling.
The magic in the world around us has become unavoidable.
All of the magic.
Cold snowy days and gloomy rainy afternoons give us the time to chill out and get silly at home.
You have always wanted to step just a little further away from where you are.
When you were just 3 days old I didn't think I could ever put you down.
It is still shocking to me that I haven't eaten you up, I love you so.

I suppose there is still time. Don't get too comfortable my Heart.

Benign Neglect

2010-10-20T21:42:00.011-04:00

Benign neglect is a parenting philosophy that I strongly endorse, however it is a TERRIBLE way to engage people in your life through a blog. Maybe I'll try and get a bit more literate in the next few weeks.

Jeez eh? What the hell have I been doing for a month? Let these pictures demonstrate the active life of a Gemini lo' these many weeks:

Perfect Sunday mornings. Work conference in DC:

Running at Keuka Lake, NY:
Not running in Keuka Lake, NY:

Also, a little Thanksgiving to round out the great life. I've been knitting but have been really focussing on our home and family right now - hopefully more on that this week.

To help her bring a basket of "sleep through the night" to Granny.

2010-09-14T19:11:00.005-04:00

I recently finished Fenner's fall sweater. Well, I'm hoping it's one of two sweaters. This was sort of a fantasy project - I had an image in my mind of Fenner wearing a beautiful fall cape with fantastic buttons and prancing through the forest at the cottage.

Or walking to school on a chilly fall morning. The kind that we're starting to have now, and lo' I give you a prime example of my momentary perfection. Meet the Manos cape.

I recently fell down in a button basket at Lettuce Knit and took home some of the cutest buttons you've ever seen.
Can you blame Fenner for asking, "Is this the sweater for my bird buttons?" They are too small to provide functional support but are perfect for decoration around the bottom of the skirt. Like all of the beautiful buttons I've bought for Fenner's sweaters so far - I'll be reusing them on different garments as she grows out of these ones.

This button will be beautiful on a sweater for me one day....for example.

I love these buttons.

The model, in crazy evening light through our living room window. I'm hoping to get a 'going to school' shot tomorrow.

The hood was too hot this evening but she enjoyed having a big enough button to do up and undo over and over again.

Mission. Accomplished.

I've fallen and I can't get up

2010-09-12T21:35:00.000-04:00

We recently lost our house computer, not recently actually within days of me starting my new job and giving back my old and very lived in laptop. I loved that laptop. I spent over 3 years working and living on that laptop.

By the end that laptop was grinding, poor Augustine. Since our home computer finally croaked after living on life support for 18 months we've been living our online dreams on our various iTools. We're beginning to feel like pretty substantial itools because of it.

It has however, afforded us the luxury of time - time to knit, play cards, cook and watch tv. It's amazing how much time we were spending hooked up. I still missed it but I find when I'm online now I'm much more efficient. It's changed my work habits, our family habits and our communication habits. It's pretty creepy actually.

To wit: jarred tomatoes on my bachelor weekend. Don't worry there was much wine consumed, movies watched to compensate for every household chore accomplished.

I've finished Little Red, a red riding hood cape for Fenner's fall sweater. Just in time for Indian Summer.

We've been really enjoying these last days of civil weather. I'm not sure how pleasurable grocery shopping with our bikes are going to be in the winter time. I'm choosing denial instead of contemplating it.

Life is rich

2010-08-31T22:50:00.002-04:00

Am speaking with my sister on the phone about the past month in the family's life.

We are a lucky people.

Life is good.

What's a little more change..

2010-08-29T14:43:00.009-04:00

So with the advent of changing virtually every day to day schedule and expected responsibility in the house. I've been trying to take all of the bad habits and wishes for good habits into account. The seemingly little habits I'm constitently trying to integrate to daily life: shopping for clothes (everyone's), planning weekly meals, flossing, bike commuting, running 3 times a week, reading more, cooking more etc. Aim high bitches!

My theory is that since everything is so off putting already - learning a new culture and job at work is exhausting, the family morning and night routines are changing we may as well use the opportunity to shake it all up.

As a result, it took two weeks for Jason and I to have a moment of clarity to realize we had somehow lost all house maintenance time in the shift of the schedule. Not only that but because Fenner's sleep schedule has been adjusted to an earlier time (7:00 - 7:30) we actually only have 3 hours a day together as a family.

How does one parent 15 hours a week? This question does nothing but drive home the pounding weight of guilt because, god help me, I am still in love with new job. I feel fulfilled, healthy and focussed. Talk about torn!

In the midst of transitioning my life my fantastic cousin Deanna called to find out if we were available for a play date on a rainy Sunday and in typical last minute fashion we were able to pull it together.

Happy children playing together stops the cycle of self-flagellation. We're all doing ok. Hari and Deanna have been juggling not only paying jobs but an artist's drive for creative outlet (Deanna's a singer). Thank god for great company!
It does beg the question:

How are the other double income families looking so goddam normal and together? The last time I felt this ramped and stretched out (literally and figuratively) was when Fenner was days old. I believe I may have at the time described what I was feeling as though I was a "political prisoner just escaped from a Chinese prison"*

*not to denigrate the plight of political prisoners but maybe to draw attention to the universal shock of new motherhood.

Fenner had a sleep over with Auntie Coco on Friday so Jason and I could remind ourselves of being in love and we had a fantastic night.

We met F and Carolyn at the CNE on Saturday night where we broiled ourselves in the hot sun of Carnie-Town. Fenner, is fearless. Any roller coaster she could get on with one of us was riddent and some of them were done without us.
She's all warmed up to go to the Perth Fair with Grandma and Grandpa on the long weekend. J and Fenner will be going to Smith's Falls for Labour Day weekend.

What are they going to say...

2010-08-25T20:57:00.005-04:00

when I knit for the first time in the office? Once, I start knitting at lunch I might get my conversion numbers up as well as get me some amazing lined bike mittens! Fiddlehead mittens in Tanis fibre.

I'd been contemplating a job change for about a year when an opportunity arose at a really wicked internet consulting job downtown Toronto. Very young, glavanized and inspired team that is looking to do some work in the not for profit/charity sector.

What really grabbed my heart, for lack of a more pragmatic analogy, was the fact that all 5 people I spoke with in the interview process had passions outside of the immediate work. The benefits and impact of these interests seemed to fully impact the energy of the day to day work.

An urban cycling advocate and blogger, an Iron Man contender, VP of Talent who I've heard multiple co-workers thank personally for help she's given them, multiple dedicated parents to name a few.

Every day I meet more people who not only keep on top of their design and industry standards all while being engaged in their personal lives. I've been biking to work most days and it feels awesome. The business casual environment means that I don't wear yoga pants and pajamas anymore - you know? I don't miss it as much as I thought I would.

Speaking of business casual, Little Miss has discovered skinny dipping at the cottage...
I just can't wait until month one of adjusting to a new culture is done. It's exhausting learning a new culture, never mind one in which you're one of the oldest staff in the room.

How the hell did that happen?

Highlights from July

2010-08-16T21:13:00.002-04:00

I cannot fathom how to write some of these drafts I've got in progress. I don't have a lot of brainpower right now and my Mimi, Husband and Knitting all deserve more than I've got.

Thus, a photblog bitches.

What better way to spend gridlock than making funny faces at me while wearing a crown.
Fenner had her first couple of runs through White's Falls at the cottage. I told her she couldn't touch the white water until she was paying taxes on her income but until then she and I could ride the current through the shallows. She loved it!
First dress up day at school. Luckily Grandma knew it was coming and made Fenner the most amazing ladybug costume. It was ridiculously cute. She has a matching purse filled with show and tell to enjoy.
The Taste of Little India introduced balloon animals back into the house. Jason knows how to make them and Fenner thought it was the most magical thing in the world to have a hat WITH a flower MADE OUT OF BALLOONS. Holy sweet jesus!
Jason and I had our anniversary in July. We went for dinner at Terroni. That place is romantic at all times. It was fabulous.
More soon. I'm going to try and do small 'placeholder' posts to hold me down until the weekend.

Hi Kristin!!

Pro: Generational impact

2010-08-05T20:45:00.003-04:00

Fenner and I were up North last weekend for a reboot weekend. Jason has been the primary parent for the past 2 weeks while my sisters and I tried to help my Mother with the overwhelming tasks associated with death.

Work has been full tilt and I've been really distracted while on deck. Jason needed some alone time and Fenner and I needed to get back online.

Last weekend was our chance. Con: I had to work for half of the days. Pro: Fenner absolutely loves my sister, Elizabeth, and my Mom. She baked pies with Mom and swam until she was blue in the face. At least, I cling to that pro because I'm a self-flagellating Mom who should not have been dividing her time between work and home...again, but that's not a new or original theme is it now?

On Sunday, I got back to the cottage and she was wedged in between Mom and Liz for nap. Mom was reading her a story and "rocking". This is an age old tactic she and Dad used to use to NUKE us kids into nap submission. There is no way to resist the combination of comfort and incredible body heat and if there was any soupcon of revolution in the air, my Mom would start rocking her body back and forth in a small, smooth gentle motion.

In minutes we'd be out.

Tonight, as we tried to settle she turned to me and said, "Mommy, please can you rock? No, not like that....like Nan?"

I do believe, I'll end on a Pro thankyouverymuchMom.

Kind of Flying Solo

2010-08-01T11:45:00.011-04:00

It's been a crazy mad couple of weeks that have brought about massive life change. It marks the natural timely end of one long life, a new job, and many day to day adventures.

Needless to say there is a lot of draft posts lingering around here right now. Fenner and I went north for the long weekend without Jason. Unfortunately, I'm on call so am in Barrie right now maximizing the internet connection.

We went to the Six Mile Lake fireworks show last night in our little tin fishing boat. What a night. "Captain, my captain!"
Fresh and ready for the new adventure! Those curls make it very hard for me not to lick her head in an expression of feral mother love.

Oh, there was singing...much singing and yodelling!
It's nice to know that no matter how grown up our kids get, we all love us a snuggle fest.

Best use of handmade wool blanket from Northern Ontario!

Faster!

The lake at sunset right before the fireworks. Basically what happens is that this bay fills up with boats and everyone sits and watches the show, whch was no amateur affair. I haven't been up the lake at night since our cottage cousins moved East. I'm ashamed to say I'd never seen the fireworks.

The night was magical.

Tour de Fleece

2010-07-07T09:14:00.008-04:00

My goal is to spin 684 grams of back logged Spunky batts. If I continue apace I might finish and ply all of it - that's 6 months of backlogged fibre. Don't even get me started on the August knitting goals as a result of the Tour de Fleece production.

I've finished 2 Batts in Pomegranate and Ooh-La-La so far - I'm just plying up the Storms of Jupiter batt and look forward to making some more progress at the cottage.

This is what the cottage means for me.

Idyllic Spinning.

Plying 114g of Ooh-La-La-Tropi-Cal from the Spunky Eclectic Fibre Club

I love the colours - I wish my camera batteries weren't dead so that you could too. Until they recharge - here's what we've got. I'll show you the triumverate of progress next week after I get back from more idyllic spinning on the weekend.

If at first you don't succeed....

2010-06-27T20:24:00.010-04:00

rip it out and knit the holy shit right out of that lace shawl. In some cases, again and again for as long as it takes.

It all started with a small night in with a couple of knitterly types and some wine. One of these types gave me a skein of delicious Mooi as a hostess gift. Knitter guests = most generous and enjoyable.

My other delightful guest suggested I use it to knit one of the shawls from this magical tome, Triangular and Long Shawls by Sigridur Halldortsdottir (translation by Steinunn J. Asgeirsdottir).

I've posted pictures of the Hyrna Herbogar shawl in progress before - I must have started this piece at LEAST 5 or 6 times before I could keep my centre line from wandering off to the left with my G-Series (20 or 8) political views.

On Saturday night while watching the city get galvanized I cast, what I fondly refer to as, the Fucker, off. In true lace magic the Ramen noodle phase charmed me.

The blocking amazed me. What the what?!? It actually looks like lace! STABLE LACE. There didn't seem to be any hidden dropped stitches or uncontrolled yarn overs to be wrangled.The actual shawl bewitches me. This has always been a gift for close and very generous friend of mine. Any new yarn I've acquired in the last two years has been pretty much by her generousity. We've spent hours on the phone affirming politics, parenting and general opinions.

She's a pro level knitter so I knew the level of stick-to-itiveness that I had to demonstrate to finish this dreamy piece would be appreciated. The charm of a birthday gift for a birthday 2 years ago can truly be appreciated by another knitter who has experienced the questionable victory of delivering a birthday gift on the needles.

This is the most beautiful thing I've ever knit. There is a small, very unacceptable, very uncouth part of me that may take it back and knit her a hat.

New project: Robotic Chocolate Butterflies

2010-06-25T11:32:00.005-04:00

In case y'all were wondering if I still made anything. Here you go.

Back in early June one of my oldest friends turned 35 and had a birthday blow out at her new condo. She's that sassy smart single copywriter about town living the urban dream. Multi-talented comedienne, actress and now playwright, she's a glamour puss that really brings the sparkle to my normally pragmatic functional perspective.

I love it. So when she asked me to bring cupcakes to her party I had to try something a little out of the ordinary into the world of romantic delicious.

Her very own Army of Chocolate Butterflies.

The wings are carefully crafted using dark belgian chocolate wafers and red candy melting wafers. I melted the dark chocolate and made the outline then used the red to fill them in, I used toothpicks to create the detailing on each wing before the chocolate had set.

Yes, I drank. I also, took a page from the popcorn incident and started making the wings a week in advance.

Jason's folks had come to town to babysit and visit and were superhero's! Debbie made the most amazing vanilla cupcakes - light, fluffy and delicate. The perfect resting place for what I was, by the end, calling the bastard butterflies.

Here's a close up, I'd like to draw attention to the worst part of the decorating, the individually made butterfly antennae - maddeningly delicate. It's worth mentioning that by the time we were adding the antennae we were late for the party and Fenner was absolutely freaking out that she need one to eat RIGHT NOW.

Even Grandpa could not distract her from the mission of eating one. Let's take moment of silence for the fallen brother.

My army waiting for their computer chips and antenna. I love love love the way the wings turned out. It was worth the time consumption.

This second foray into OCD cupcake decorating for people who have no experience has been brought to you by Hello, Cupcake. I look forward to the day that I'm comfortable enough with some of these ideas that I can execute my own creative ideas.

What do you get when...

2010-06-21T17:00:00.007-04:00

you have 24 balls of Noro in 4 different colourways, the wedding of couple who love DIY and a limited budget.

Why, embark on a Lizard Ridge extravaganza of course! Those of you still with me lo these long years might remember the first time I took this amazing blanket on. I still love it. I won't be knitting this c*cks*cking blanket again but I'm still in love with the finished product.

I started it 6 weeks before the wedding and finished in 3 days after the big day. I was two thirds finished the final strip when we left Toronto with the first three strips blocked and ready to be sewn. I was committed to being done the knitting by the time we landed in Victoria.

OCD goal oriented behaviour can only end in an awkward bathroom encounter. Not to equate my knitting ambition with any untoward behaviour by republican leaders, I'm just saying...it got awkward.

Hygiene be damned, I gave that strip a good bath in our hotel room when it was done. Here's the business shot of the strips. Instead of doing each square with a different colourway, I picked four colourways and sewed the strips together.

I had the whole thing sewn together by the rehearsal night dinner and was ready to smoke through the crocheted border when I realized that: a) the circumference of this blanket is very long and b) Denny did the border on my first Lizard, thus allowing me to live in ignorant bliss for 3 years longer and c) booze and wedding parties do not enhance focus nor stick-to-itiveness whatsoever.

I finished the border 3 days later chilling out on MacKenzie Beach and drinking a civil glass of club soda. I'm still fondling the memories of my vacation....yeah, I said fondling. It was really that good.
This was the view from our cottage. Fondle was an understatement, I may just have teabagged my own vacation memories.

Here's a Lizard posing strategically lounging on the driftwood. I picked four colourways that inspired images in my mind: Sunrise, Sandy Beaches, Oceans and Sunsets. Am ecstatic with how well Noro served my mind's eye.
Happily, not as ecstatic as my sister and my new amazing brother were. I'd have an amazing picture of the two of them snuggling under it but what with being newlyweds and all, I'm not sure I want that picture.

Considering that Liz has cornered the market on my families total quotient of discretion, she is, at this minute writhing with mortification at the fact I have referred to tea bagging, fondling and her sex life all on a web site. I'd be sorry except she'd be mortified if I mentioned chaste public kisses as well.

Hey Pat and Liz - you see what I did there??? Inferred that you guys HAVE SEX on a public forum. YOW!!

Happy Father's Day

2010-06-20T11:53:00.009-04:00

Our Father's Day plans got derailed by an unpleasant stomach bug so in lieu of a picnic and fun at Riverdale Farm Jason did the grocery shopping, childcare and made me sleep. If we're lucky he won't get the stomach flu for Father's Day.

Suffice to say, he is a better father and husband that I could have dreamed for. The perfect foil for my hijinks and balance to my life. He has endless energy for Fenner and an imagination that brings her on adventures that expand her horizons beyond the day to day.

Talking stuffed animals, stories and made up games are his domaines and Fenner loves them dearly. The dude's not afraid of a nasty diaper, bucket of vomit, cleaning or cooking either. Yup, the whole package.

You're the best Hon!

Aren't we lucky to have had a couple of wicked awesome templates to follow as well?

Thanks Steve for setting Jason up so well.

Dad, thanks for setting me up with high expectations of Fathers - Jason's doing a magnificent job at fulfilling them.

The best of family parties

2010-06-17T13:16:00.006-04:00

At this stage in my family's evolution there are two reasons that the whole clan can justify the cost of a family party. Weddings and funerals. Luckily, this summer we had a wedding.

For the purposes of this post we will say nothing of wedding scandals, nudity or post wedding pier parties, we'll save those for the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuture.

Meet Pat and Liz. Liz is the youngest of my siblings by at least 5 years. My baby sister, blessed with scientific curiousity about the natural world around us and the charm and social skills of an arts student.
These were Liz's wedding shoes in the park outside of the Shaw Ocean Discovery Centre.

The whole clan, cleans up nicely and this pic give a great view to the storm that was threatening us by the end - never did come though - the weather was amazing.

The bridesmaids and maids of honour. Meredith (the tall elegant woman) did an amazing job at ensuring Liz had all the necessities a bride could want including, snacks, trashy magazines (for when the hair was getting done), a pashmina, pair of comfy flip flops and safety pins. She is a brilliant woman.
Liz refused to select nieces and nephews for the job of bearing rings and flowers - and so, the herd of children heralded the arrival of the bride and groom.

Claire and Fenner are best of friends and Claire kept Fenner on the straight and narrow.
That kid kills me.

Enabling

2010-06-13T21:27:00.005-04:00

Dear Charlotte,

Thank you for letting us use your camera so that I can photoblog our vacation. How happy were we on that beach?

Here is a taste of some of the delicious pictures we took and that Charlotte took hours to send me.

Renaissance Woman on Long Beach.

Tidal Pool: How many sea anenomes and star fish can you see outside of your cottage?

There are knitting adventures, wedding stories, bizarre stories and pictures galore. They will all be yours this week in 3 easy installments of my focus.

Patience my pretties.

Love Jen

PS: Charlotte if you think I'm going to post the pics J and I took while drinking too much you're crazy!

Inadequate.

2010-06-04T15:53:00.004-04:00

an·ni·ver·sa·ry

Function: noun

1 : the annual recurrence of a date marking a notable event; broadly : a date that follows such an event by a specified period of time measured in units other than years

2 : the celebration of an anniversary

Yesterday marked the 1 year anniversary of a commitment someone close to my heart engaged in. This commitment was to and for herself and to no one else. I believe completely that this commitment not only saved her life but has had a fundamental impact on the lives of virtually everyone I hold dear.

We celebrated this anniversary as a birthday should be celebrated. Surrounded by all of the most important people to her life. Her rocks, her anchors, the beacons of light that she follows in a storm. Many of whom I've never met. It was a great honour to be among these people who love and keep her in a way she needs.

Time and time again she was described as a woman who is unstoppable, inspirational and, for one friend - her name became a verb. She has become: A Woman of Action

She exchanged a substantial part of her life to participate in the lives of everyone around her and in her own life. We have all been changed.

I love you.

The end must be nigh...right? right?!

2010-05-18T10:50:00.004-04:00

We're on vacation in BC right now for a family wedding. I've been working on a very strict and ambitious project deadline for the past 6 weeks. I thought I could finish the knitting work by the time our flight landed so I could spend the week pre-wedding, assembling the project in between wedding jobs and events.

I was three rows away from finishing the last piece of my secret deadline project when our flight to Victoria landed, so I went to the bathroom so that I would get a chance to finish it before we reached the baggage claim. Jason knew that my extended bathroom break was not a naturally occurring event...

A deadline is a what you make it: firm or flexible and I'm out of time for flexibility. Cue the Mission Impossible soundtrack. It's game time.

What's in your queue?

2010-05-05T06:45:00.001-04:00

I work from home not self-employed but for a US consulting company. There are many many awesome benefits to working from home but wardrobe maintenance and social skills are not part of them. Tack on a 2.5 year old and aggressive budget, my home has become my kingdom. We try and make our home life as creatively and socially fulfilling as possible because, it's just cheaper.

To satisfy my Gemini need for people we try and have close friends and family over for dinner a few times a month, Jason has really found a love of baking and we have made exploring our cookbooks a part of our weekly rituals. Cooking has turned into a form of date night during which if we're lucky and Fenner is chilling out - we can decompress from the business of life.

I know I'm not original in any way but as someone who had made a decade long lifestyle choice to eat out and drink to excess every night of the week - this is a huge huge evolution for me. My fear (this might be borne out of my own set of neuroses) is that when things get truly complicated (we have more than 1 teenager) and family dinners becomes a luxury - we'll be out of the habit.

Anyway, all this to say is that the heart of my professional and most of my creative life can be found in my office (after much pleading from Jason to contain the wool!!!).

Here's what I have on the go right now as both stress relief and stress induction. It's also nice to have a reminder that there is life outside of my professional deadlines and pressures.

I'm in the heat of the final week and a half of a secret project that I can't talk about in detail. Those of you in the know will recognize some of it here in my wall picture here, in this growing pile of Noro. The project is shaping up nicely despite the 3 days of my schedule I lost to cottage opening.

Some amazing nameless MCN Lace from my friend Kim which will be some beautiful triangular foreign sounding shawl as the pot of gold at the end of the deadline rainbow. This lies in wait for my vacation. Behind the MCN you'll see some smooshy Romni of my own making - fleece bought at the Royal Winter Fair. I have fantasies of Alice Starmore. Celtic/Aran something fantastic.

Handspun Spunky Eclectic fibre of the month called Pomegranate. I have a more detailed post about the spinning of it. I found it a challenging fibre to spin, never done a Shetland before...may never again to be honest. It will be wound up for a hat and mitts for vacation knitting.

Nice little fantasy life right on my wall - organized, planned, perfect.

Ides of March...in May

2010-05-02T15:36:00.001-04:00

I finished my first commissioned projects in March a family of Cabled Newsboy Caps from Stitch and Bitch Nation. The family consisted of a six month old bun - so I aimed on the big side so it was just a wee tight on Fenner.

One for the new Matriarch. Pardon the bershon but I was focusing on my awful webcam and trying to show the cables.
And one for the patriarch. I include this picture even though the quality is low because a) my hair looks uncharacteristically well behaved and b) it's the last picture of my Olympic project that I have before I mailed it off to it's new owner.

There were a couple of other tossed off tuque and hat projects in March. My goal was to knit from pre-caked wool and left overs for the whole month. It was satisfying. June may develop the same goal - maybe with the additional theme of toys.

We here at the Hendriks/Gemmill abode are currently preparing to fly out to Vancouver Island for my wee sister's wedding at the end of May. Fenner will be the flower girl. I think it's pretty awesome that she refers to this dress as her Princess dress. Now that she's in daycare I suspect the ante of princessness will be upped substantially.

Good for the heart

2010-04-23T07:41:00.000-04:00

My sister Charlotte came to town on Monday night on her way to start opening the cottage up north. Fenner loves Charlotte for all of the right reasons. I've said this before and I'll say it again. Charlotte is love and perspective personified. If you need someone to listen to your woes and give sage balanced advice she's your gal.

She'll also kindly and gently tell you when it's time to buck up and make the best of it. When Auntie Char Char comes there's never a rush to do anything and always focussed love and anchored attention. It was just what Fenner needed this week.

Snuggles and stories, unrushed, unadulterated familiarity. The needs of a kid with no solid routine and a whole lot of seemingly out of control change.
Char Char recently acquired a killer cute little kitten and she doesn't like to leave little Kate behind when she comes to visit. Fenner met Kate last time Charlotte came to visit and the distance apart has only made her heart fonder - if not more scary for poor Kate.

Also, it became apparent that Fenner comes by her crack quite naturally as demonstrated at 0:31 secondsd of this little vignette.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

2010-04-21T21:47:00.008-04:00

We've been busy taking care of business at home (hence all the knitting) while we find Fenner get through the effed up nights and different lifestyle. Nesting, its a great preparation for change, you think expectant Mothers nest because it's 'cute'? Mother Nature is wise to give the instinct to prepare.

Over the weekend my close friend gave me "The Cove". A fantastic painting that lightens up our home and gives us a spot on the horizon to focus on.

It hangs right next to our dining table, Fenner faces it while we eat and we talk about the clouds and the mountains. It's a nice segue to talking about going out to British Columbia for my sister's wedding.

A small taste of her work.

This is in exchange for a hand knit piece, no pressure, but it will have to be the best piece ever. 2010 is shaping up to be the year of heirloom knitted art pieces.

Theme of the past month for us

2010-04-20T12:32:00.003-04:00

Coincidentally, This American Life's theme this week is Babysitting. A lot of the stories make me feel even more awesome about how well everything is going with new caregivers and daycare.

- No boiled iguana for lunch, Check

- No sibling elastic torture, Check

- No one suggesting a mother might be dead and hanging in a closet, Double Check

- Seemingly well adjusted child and antisocial cat - check.

Implementing change successfully requires so much energy I feel like my legs are numb half the time. My deadline related knitting has suffered but I'll be posting some teaser pics soon enough.

In the meantime, portrait of a sullen cat.

Growing like a Green Bean

2010-04-18T19:45:00.000-04:00

One of the psychological challenges of knitting in the age of technology that I struggle with, is the ratio of time vs immediate satisfaction. It is a long process - from picking up a pattern because one day you think it looks great to the acceptance 3 days/weeks/months years later that it's actually not at all up your alley. Or the opposite - you knit something, say in the 80's and then you grow up and realize that sweater dresses do not become the buxom woman you might be.

Just sayin'.

A third and equally realistic outcome is that the project might not happen at all. I'm so used to getting an idea and executing it in a matter of hours or days that I struggle with the concept that it is not the mark of failure if a piece doesn't even get knit at all.

This point begs the question, why give myself a large knitting project deadline in the first place?! I have no answers but I do cross the border to the land of Denial weekly. Maybe it's the adrenaline rush?? Sigh.

5 or 6 years ago, back in the heat of the acquisition phase of my knitting career, I bought 3 and a half skeins of Peace Fleece off my friend Jill. I think I may have thought I was doing her a favour and boosting the weight of my stash at the same time. Over the course of those 5 years I looked at it, swatched it, thought about it, caked it but never found a project that made me want to knit it up.

Until 3 years ago when the kid that would be Fenner was baking I picked up this pattern to knit for another knocked up Mom at the time. That is a long time that I've been looking at this pattern and thinking about the wool.

I made the hat for one of the neighbourhood kids with great struggle. I don't speak the designer's language at all. I finally put the pattern down and picked up The Knitter's Handy Book of Sweater Patterns and the game was finally afoot!

I had the same challenges with this sweater as I did with Jason's vest - mostly my gauge swatch lying like a teenage girl angling for a curfew extension. Ruthlessly and with perfect composure. Gauge is such an Asshole.

But Gauge is no match for the tenacious, stubborn and ruthless knitter I've evolved into. I WILL NOT GIVE UP! Working through the knitterly mocking I ripped and reknit this beast until finally, this project matched my imagined picture of it. Perfectly.

It's the perfect sweater and hat set for cool Spring nights. It fits under Fenner's rain slick just in time for a 2 week vacation on Vancouver Island.

It's the perfect weight and warmth for cool mornings to keep my little Bean warm when we walk to her first couple of days at school (daycare but you gotta spin these things for the kids!)

Finished MFFO

2010-04-16T21:27:00.001-04:00

This sweater has been ongoing since well before June of 2008. If it wasn't for the blog I probably would have blocked out the fact that I've knit it at least 1.5 times.

This fact makes it my first real MFFO. Mothahfucking Finished Object. It was worth every stitch. My first husband sweater, first zipper and first virtually complete reknit project.

He looks great though doesn't he?

It turned out exactly as I'd hoped. This makes 3 projects in a row. My first handspun shawl being the first, a yet to be blogged about Fenner sweater and this bad boy.
Not only did I exhibit endurance - knitting this sweater first without swatching which would have made it the perfect item for a morbidly obese midget. But then reknitting the whole thing AND putting in the zipper backwards before removing my head from my own bum.

See that moss stitch. I know it's impeccable because my friend Molly has seen it and said so. Molly has an eye for the detail dontcha know.
What a handsome fella. These past few weeks, he's really shown the same level of endurance, patience and stick-to-itiveness that, had it been focussed on knitting would have produced an equally perfect sweater.
Instead, his demonstrations of patience produced a pretty well adjusted toddler heading out for her first foray into the real world.
Fenner started going to daycare part time this week and Jason really worked hard at making this transition as painless as it could possibly be for both me and her. He primed her about how exciting going to 'school' was going to be. He made sure she knew how to ask for what she needed from her teachers and her new friends.

Most of all Fenner felt like a superhero for embarking on this new adventure - for being afraid and saying so, being brave and making new friends, loved and solid at home, celebrated for being an independent ass kicker of a person.

I feel like we could have all made this leap if he wasn't the involved and invested Father that he is but none of us would have landed as gracefully as we did if he wasn't.

If I could knit him a painful sweater like this every month I would.

That being said, if he dumps me now I sweat to god I will fucking cut him.

The Adventures of Nanny Debbers and the Elusive Ms. FBomber

2010-04-15T20:29:00.015-04:00

Well, we knew that this day would come, in fact, some theorized that this day would have come much sooner but we've had an incredible long and super fun ride. Previous installments of The Adventures of Nanny Debbers and The F-Bomb can be found here, here and here.

I would say that one of the many luxuries we've been able to enjoy since Debra came to work with us were all of the daily updates that she would send us. Here are some of thel moments that Debra has shared with me over the past 6 months.

It seems sad that parents miss those magic 'slice of life' moments that can be so poetic. Maybe it's because we're not there that they are poetic but I could never help but be so jealous that I missed them.
Not only did Debra become an integral part of our nuclear family but she became a member of our neighborhood community. She became close friends with a number of families in our community and generally keeping Fenner social and part of the fabric of our street.

This can't always have been easy since Mothers, like any other professional group, bond best with each other but she is nothing if not stubborn and romanced her way into everyone's hearts.

Adventures were had all over Toronto - the Toronto Botannical Gardens

The Riverdale Farm is still one of her favourite places to go, as often as possible.

Dinosaurs at the Royal Ontario Museum. She knows EXACTLY how to dig up a dino-bone without any tutoring. Makes my nerdy science sisters happy.

In fact, how often can you say your child's caregiver was loved not only by the parents but of the extended family? Brunch with Liz in BC, zoo trips with Charlotte and car picnics with my Mom. In the course of our relationship, my family got just a taste of what Fenner enjoyed every day.

It's been a fantastic run. Today, Debra spent her first day living the life of a full time visual artist (don't worry folks - we have regular dinners planned) and Fenner spent her first day at 'school'.

Both adventures will no doubt be spectacular successes.

...and the Oscar for Tardy Micromanagement goes to ME.

2010-03-22T21:51:00.000-04:00

I went to an Oscar party to celebrate the luxury of eating and the art of bitchiness with my urban family who excel at the Oscars in a way that I can only fantasize about.

Jason and I made cupcakes for the event. J is a baker extra-ordinaire and made some traditional vanilla cupcakes from scratch as the base. They were delicious, perfectly sweet and moist. That's right - MOIST.
We took turns prepping the kajillion yellow and white marshmallows which was incredibly tedious. Really cutting mini marshmallows in thirds? Really?!?
Cupcake Director. The cupcake recipe and idea came from Hello Cupcake
The army that I will use to conquor the world, 1 marshmallow induced diabetic at a time. BOW DOWN BEFORE THE POPCORN!
Insert my theme song, here
All for the joy of a bowl of popcorn in disguise. I loved this project - how goofy and perfect for a gloomy sunday afternoon.

Rocking out toddler style

2010-03-16T21:37:00.001-04:00

I'm trying to write more often - I realize that it's an evolution of habit so I'm setting up posts 1 week in advance with subjects to help me write daily.

I'm sure I've mentioned this before but the street that we live on is *filthy* with kids all within a couple of months of each other in age. Fenner has a posse. We have a mothers/parents group and a strong sense of community around the kids' social lives.

Fenner and Ella are about 1 week apart in age and are really affectionate towards one another. I don't think I'm seeing their relationship with the rose coloured glasses of a proud mother. It's always been simply lovely. Eva (Ella's Momma), is a musician and music teacher in the neighborhood and while Fenner isn't enrolled in this session she still sings all the songs and loves listening to Eva's cd.

All that to say Eva did a fantastic job filming these two adventurers and setting their story to her wonderful music. If this doesn't melt your cold dead hearts you're beyond help.

Olympic Ending

2010-03-15T21:34:00.001-04:00

My final Olympic weekend was a blur of CBC nerddom, driving and Northern exploration. Jesus. I guess I need to preface this post with a description of the last two weeks at the house.

Poor. Shit Poor. I recognize that once a person gets dragged down into the depths of despair (shout out to Ann with an 'e'!) it's virtually impossible to get that positive spin going again so J and I really worked at it. Two weeks after the end of the Olympics I think we're there.

My project was a take off of the Baby Moderne Log Cabin blanket as inspired by those mavens Mason Dixon Fame. By the Saturday before the closing ceremonies I was *done* with the garter but not done with the blanket so I was hauling every which way.

To CBC to participate in the 'Go' Hobby Show where I was part of a team of crack knitters making a scarf for the Brent Bambury.

Coincidentally one of my favourite Canadian Bands was there performing. Great Lake Swimmers played songs from their newest album, Lost Channels.

Miranda Mulholland was the violinist, so charming for so early.

And Tony Dekker, probably freaking out on the inside at this point. Couldn't tell though.

Nat and Steph represented. Nat really brought the funny and the hip - and neither of them sounded like anything less that really smart funny ladies. Better representation, the knitters could not have asked for.

And Nat made underpants!

My project on the cusp of completion - and finished by the end of the ceremonies! It's in the mail going to a colleague who is doing a blanket exchange with me! She's a quilter so I hope she finds this little piece of modest but determined knitting to her satisfaction.

I feel nervous but relieved that the cat fur has been fully removed.

Of kittens and children

2010-03-01T11:30:00.006-05:00

It's been an exciting weekend here. Olympic mastery and fibre retreats abound. It's going to take longer to write about the weekend than I have right now so I just want to touch base and finish the "Cold Front" post with the finished shawlette after I reminded it who was boss.

Much better eh?

Also, my sister Charlotte came to bring Fenner to the ROM's Bat Cave today. She brought the newest member of her family.

Note Fenner's, plumber's butt: THAT IS A TOILET TRAINED CRACK YO!

Cold Front Indeed.

2010-02-19T21:15:00.001-05:00

I spent high school in a place called Manitouwadge, Ontario. It is a small mining town "Nestled in the Canadian Shield" north of Lake Superior. Please take a minute and click on that link because it is a perfect illustration of what living in an isolated community in the winter time can feel like.

Now, I've been citified to the point that I feel like -15 is frigid to the point of danger but grew up in a place that spent 4 months of the 8 month winter in -30 to -50 degree weather. I maintain that once you're below -30, all other temperatures are meaningless. At those temperatures you dress for it and go out because otherwise you'll catch cabin fever.

Besides, it was a dry cold not like in Terrace Bay. Brrrr. (Also, unlike Terrace Bay, we didn't smell like Pulp and Paper, we smelled like Gold and Lead mining, aka the Northern Rose!)

At Christmas I got my very first Spunky Eclectic fibre batt. Jason 'The Dreamboat' Gemmill got me a fibre subscription for my big gift this year. Now I'm regular AND warm!! (Ed: So sorry I couldn't resist)

I give you Cold Front. Pretty appropriate since I feel like Toronto is freezing instead of snowy this year.
I aimed for my first 2-ply with colour work. This meant paying attention to which ends of the batt I spun up first. Generally just paying attention which isn't my strong suit on the best of days. Once I had the 2 bobbins approximately the same weight I committed to the plying process.

I did pretty well guestimating the total length of singles on each bobbin, I only had a couple of metres left on one bobbin at the end of plying. I used those for a rug hooking project that I'll finish in 2063.

Doesn't look like much now does it...but wait! Not too shabby! I'm still playing around with tension here and every once in awhile I get freaked out when I feel like it both looks and feels good at the same time. I didn't want to lose momentum so I wound it, washed it and caked it to get going.

We're talking about 298 metres of pure pride right here.
The greens, blues and turquoise still appealed to me and the colours look like lakes on those sunny, painfully cold crunchy days. Kind of made me want to make a quinzee. Then I shook my head, ordered in some sushi, poured a glass of wine and remembered that I've been citified!

Michelle had done a list of possible shawls she'd like to knit last year and from that list I found the Adamas Shawl. You see, Michelle is not only an amazing photographer but she's got a great eye for patterns. I needed to get on the lace wagon and needed something that I could adjust to make a small shawlette.

That being said by the time I got to the last 2 rows I was *painfully* tight on yardage. There was about 8 inches left by the time I cast off my new favourite scarf. Now that I'm really looking at this picture though I think I can be a bit more aggressive with my blocking. I think I'm going to reblock it right now.

I love this shawl. I love that I made it from fleece and there wasn't a point in the process that I wanted to put it back in the 'bag of unfinished projects' I started it on January 3rd and finished it the day before the Olympics began. HERE ME ROAR! Speaking of Olympics. The blanket, she grows. The colours, still wrong in pictures.

Olympics Day 4

2010-02-15T22:54:00.003-05:00

Did Bilodeau bring tears to your eyes too? This is the best Olympics EVER. I'm totally caught up in it. I'm watching Jaimie Gregg and Nagashima in the 500 speed skating sprints. Rivetting.

My knitting olympic project is the the Baby Moderne blanket (or a variation) in more adult colours for a collegue at work. I work from home so I don't see any of my workers that often. After a particularly difficult client had done a number on this colleague and I, she and I had a debriefing call during which I found out she is an avid quilter.

A blanket exchange was arranged.

Here is the yarn:

Here's where I'm at right now. The colours aren't accurate at all and I'm falling behind. Maybe now's a good time to learn continental...

Random Sunday

2010-02-14T19:11:00.009-05:00

We had one of those weeks that everyone got sick and yet through the tumult of it all we had unbelievable luck.

Bad: My youngest sister Liz flew to Ottawa on Friday (last week) so we drove out to Brockville for a family weekend. Fenner started to barf on Saturday night.

Good: We got to go skating on the Rideau Canal for Winterlude before she got sick.

Bad: While Fenner barfed on pretty much every set of sheets and blankets that Charlotte had (Thank you for hosting us Charlotte!!) Jason and I were up pretty much the whole night. On Sunday we had to cancel our visit to F's Grandparents - J and I were exhausted and I was *uber* sensitive.

Good: Fenner got to be snuggled by 2 of her Aunties when she wasn't feeling so hot. Liz lives in Victoria now so any time we get to spend with her is golden. I can't believe I'm going to admit this, but snuggling a 2 year old is facilitated by sick.

Bad: Fenner stopped barfing for the entirety of our drive back to Toronto, but started up again on Monday morning.

Good: Jason could take the morning off work so I could have some meetings and I took the afternoon off.

Bad: By the time I got sick, out caregiver was sick so I wasn't able to sleep it off until I finally cried uncle and called Jason to come home. I felt guilty and ashamed for not going solo - then I realized that it's a stupid cross to bear if it's not necessary.

Good:I slept for the next 8 hours and woke up in time to watch the Olympic ceremonies and send Jason off to make the funny. Meet my Olympic yarn. Come the end of the Olympics it will be a beautiful blanket for a coworker. I can't wait.

The Further Adventures of Nanny Debbers and the F-Bomb.

2010-02-01T23:39:00.002-05:00

January was a whole pile of ass crackers and crazy head time for me. I cannot tell a lie - I'm not sad to see the ass side of it on it's way out. It's February 2nd and I already feel like it's the new year.

Debra has hooked her sweet self up with an iPhone. She likes to take pretty pictures and her last phone just couldn't scratch her photographic itch so to speak. Apparently, as the kids say: "There's an app for that!"

Without further ado I give you the: "Spring has Sprung in January" series courtesy of Nanny Debbers (make no mistake, she is a super hero) and her sidekick the F-Bomber.

Baby Mushroom grows in Scary Neighbourhood Tunnel

Sarcastic Anime Character
Dough, and the Hands that Play with It
Generational Hipsters: The making of a douchebag
Cuteness: My Super Power
Disney meets Buddy Holly
I don't know what the app is that Debra uses but we love getting the pics again. Best use of household wireless internet. Ever.

Sweet dream are made of these

2010-01-19T14:17:00.009-05:00

So these last few weeks we've been trying to regulate our evenings so that this beast has a snowball's chance in hell of getting better sleep habits.

One of our week rituals is that I have friends come for dinner - we eat, sometimes we knit, we have a couple of glasses of wine, J puts F to bed and all is well in the world. Well, this is Fenner's memory/dream of the last dinner we had with Coco. Make note that she's talking about having ice cream after dinner.

I think it's pretty cool that she's telling us stories or memories now. I think it's even cooler that Debra got a new phone and it takes killer video and pics.

It's been a fun adventure week. Witness, adventures at Riverdale! Thank god because it seems to be a soul and spirit crushing sort of a week for me. I'm sure next week will feel better. Right?

Moustaches and Cupcakes: The definition of a good Saturday

2010-01-16T20:00:00.011-05:00

Jason and I have been trying to restock our parenting toolbox this past week as we re-examined our night time rituals. For the past year Jason has done the bath and bed time and I would do the 11:30 pm and 3:00 am nursing often times falling asleep in Fenner's bed till morning.

Our attempts to get her to sleep through the night have wrought nothing but the pain of a thousand angry distrustful babies into our nights and after 2 days I realized that somehow...SHE WILL STILL LEARN TO READ ONE DAY. A most telling sign that we were fucking up a good thing is that she STOPPED USING THE POTTY for Jason and I. A previous potty user in the house she stopped using it at all...she'd use it for Debra but would pee everywhere for J and I.

Like a cat, she sends a message loud and clear. So we went back to the system that got us all the most sleep.

Worked out well since Nan came to visit on Friday night and our normal schedule allowed us to play. Witness the amazing Moustache game!

We had a great night sleep and spent the morning singing songs and playing games with my Mom. Today Fenner had the moment of understanding that Mom's prosthetic wasn't just a tool for exploration but that Mom needed it to come walking with her. It's an amazing thing to witness, the comprehension of necessity from a 2 year old.

She needed a few minutes to process the biological reality of 1 leg not 2, before she got right back down to playing with Mom for the rest of the morning. I just wish Mom would stop singing Lizzie B...it's a really hard song to get out of our heads, and it's kind of creepy coming from Fenner.

We had enough time to have nap before F's posse came by for some cupcake fun. Leo, Max (who didn't get caught on film) and Aviva came by for some play time.

Fenner doesn't have so many boys in her life Max, Leo and her cousin Luke seem to be her Boys. Leo is 6 months older than Fenner and I remember when she was just a newborn the age difference seemed like an impossible gap that would never close.These two can play for hours without any interference from Aviva and I. Not a squeal of rage, tear of injustice or temper tantrum of sharing to be had. I've never seen anything like it. At one point I went down to the basement to check on them half expecting that they'd be making out on the couch listening to Pink Floyd or something, while Max fooled around on the internet.

This is what they were doing though. Of course, all the self amusement just allowed Aviva and I to make ourselves a little sick eating these glorious cupcakes.

Better picture worse video.

2010-01-11T21:03:00.008-05:00

was super annoyed with the pics of my hand dyed, hand spun romney wool. This is pretty much exactly the colours of my hat. Which would fit me if I was encephalitic so it's been ripped back and restarted. Everything I knit right now is about 3 sizes too big and requires a reknit - swatch or not. I've become very zen about it but my patience is wearing thin.

LOOK AT THE COLOURS THOUGH! Two different skeins and I am so very proud of how my first experimentation in dye turned out. Renting the Lettuce Knit dye studio was worth every penny for 4 hours of alone time and the ability to not worry about getting toxic dyes all over my kitchen.

LOOK AT THAT BLUE! THE GREEN!!! Just wait until you see the same hat reknit - I'm including the brown skein too. Yummy.

My January creative glut is continuing with some experimentation with drafting and Firestar. An old friend Michelle gave me some Firestar-Tropic for my birthday 3 or 4 years ago (really that long??) I've never really known how to make the most of it until my friend Denny introduced me to a drum carder.

I want to show you pictures of the process in better light maybe tomorrow you'll see me outside with what looks like piles of fluff in my front yard. If romance was something to be spun - it would be what I am making.

In other news, Fenner seems to be following in the footsteps of her Aunties and Nan in their scientific endeavours. A really dark video of this working picture...she is very busy - can you guess what she's discovering?

Small result of 2009 resolutions

2010-01-06T19:48:00.001-05:00

Last year one of my new years resolutions was to rent the Lettuce Knit dye studio and start playing with colour. I think I made it 3-4 times before time started taking over but the results of that are here:
What's really amazing about this picture is that the two cakes of yarn that look purple are actually BRIGHT turquoise blue. Some of you may blame the glass of wine in the background but instead of sucking the colour from this picture it mostly sucked my will to live today.

It's not the wine's fault - it's the bottle and the 2:00 am homecoming. As I said to my fellow knitter clearly it's official, I'm not 20 and can't function on that little sleep.

One day I'll get a camera that actually takes pictures with the colours as they show in reality. Until then, I present to you my very first true finished object. A Toque, how Canadian! I bought the fleece back in 2006. 3 lbs of Romney specifically.

Out of my experimental dye phase came this toque. It's awesome and I love the colours. I'm going to try and take a better picture of it tomorrow during daylight hours so I can show her off.

Just in case you think it's all work and no play here at the Highfield Spinnery. My sister and I went to a New Years Eve wedding in Cambridge. There was a lot of time between the ceremony and the reception so we went tooling around and found the Wings of Paradise Butterfly Conservatory.

What a pretty and romantic spot and don't we clean up purdy? Happy New Year!

Christmas Magic

2009-12-30T22:49:00.000-05:00

This is probably news to no one but me. I have found the evolution of Christmas from childhood magic to family responsibility a bit of a depressing transition.

I think we've established that this is not a holiday or a vacation of any kind for mothers and women - what with the responsibility of creating that magical glamour of Santa and presents and beautiful food without showing any visible signs of stress or effort. This particular cycle has stopped with me since I broke up with that poisonous friend Molly Martyr a couple years back.

Jason brings a lot of the magic with his non-hatred of stores. We've managed to 50/50 split most of the responsibilities and this year we had shopping, knitting (even off the rails felting) and wrapping done well before the Christmas Eve drive to the Ottawa Valley.

Our families gave us the fantastic gift of not having to worry about meals since Jason's folks hosted us and my family on Christmas Day (Mom and Dad drove to Smith's Falls from Barrie!!) and Charlotte hosted Boxing Day. What a gift not having to choose between families or to cook.

Fenner got atrociously spoiled the whole time and when we got home the evening of Dec 27th. We opened our door and found this under our tree.

A shiny new red bike. WITH AN ELEPHANT HORN!!!
Totally out of left field, unexpected and beautiful. I'm a cynical sarcastic 35/6 year old and this was a perfect moment of Christmas Glamour that I never thought I would see again.

Fenner got her first bike (and somehow knew exactly what to do with it).

I got to feel that crazy Christmas morning feeling like somehow a million gifts were bestowed upon me with no possible answer as to where they came from.

Thank you Debra. It is an impossibly generous and glowing gift.

PS: Fenner doesn't say Happy Holidays - she says Happy Chanukah!

Moving right along.

2009-12-24T09:48:00.007-05:00

Where the hell did the Fall go? Clearly, I was riding high on the effects of better sleep patterns and healthy living in November.

Blogging is the first on the activities to go in times of sleeplessness and busy work. Sorry about that. One of my resolutions is to keep it regular if not often - my writing is getting sloppy as a result.

On that note - PICTURES!

Ill fitting cashmere hat and alpaca cables in tree.
Play date in awesome neighbourhood. I had the opportunity to look after Fenner's friend Ella of rolling rolling fame. These kids are such hams.

To end the year I give you my family's annual sleigh ride and visit with Mimi, Fenner's Great-Grandmother. In this case wearing a cashmere Pretty Thing - as a knitter during the acrylic years, Mimi deserves as much cashmere as I can get her.

Fenner loves Mimi like no kid I've ever seen and vice versa. It melts my cold dead heart every time we get together to watch them play.

One of the few and far between pictures of me with my older brother, Dan. I dig this guy - great Dad, solid husband and fine example of a brother. We had a great time at the annual Hendriks' Christmas party this year. Many laughs.
Fenner has been talking about her cousins for the past 3 months. There are 4 of them the youngest of which is Luke - who wore Fenner's snowsuit last. Every time she puts that snowsuit on we talk about Cousin Lukie. He is a year older than she and is a total snuggle bunny which is a perfectly complimentary skillset when she has been tired out by RUNNING WITH COUSIN CLAIRE!

Maddy, the eldest of the 4 cousins, has mad herding skillz when it comes to getting her siblings, cousin, adults out the door. I'm not sure when she grew up in the last 4 months but holy hannah I know adults that could learn a thing or two about patience, compromise and staying true to themselves from this person.
F and I have had a couple of evening's flying solo over the past few weeks. We've found a way to make wool together. She often requests some time to make some wool - if my reserves of patience allows it we'll take some time to spin and twirl.

A natural evolutions from rolling if you ask me.

Big Boo Boo

2009-11-14T20:15:00.001-05:00

So I was just going along my merry way and I realized that I didn't credit Debra with the super fantastic picture of Fenner and Ella.

She's got a handy cell camera and gosh darn it she takes Fenner to some of the cutest kids in the neighborhood!

We love you Debs

Fall, I was afraid you would never call me back.

2009-11-12T07:00:00.001-05:00

I feel like Fall has finally arrived. Usually, Thanksgiving is my springboard to Fall hibernation and homemaking but it really took a while for me to get revved up this year. I think I wrote that I wasn't really present in anything I was doing at Thanksgiving and that continued for a few more weeks.

Last week I really forced myself to get off my ass and back in gear. Jason and I have been invited to a fabulous wedding at Canoe at the end of this month and winter is coming so we are really trying to get our house in shape enough to sustain us through the cold dark teatime of the soul that is winter.

The hair cut that launched a thousand projects. I was saying to Mom today that getting my haircut has really rejuvenated me. It may be crazy but a little bit of self care goes along way. It's not even that different from my old hair...just fresher.

I've started a million and one knitting projects and finished...one of them for Xmas. INSPIRATION is good stuff. It feels good to be making any progress on anything - work, spinning, knitting, cooking, family, life. So to be making small bits of progress on all of it at the same time is giving me a minute of that rare delicious feeling of balance.

That I might be doing something right without sacrificing everything else.

Life does this every once in awhile and if I'm lucky it happens at a point that I can appreciate it because it's these singular moments that keeps all working mothers chasing that mythical asshole of dragon called work/life/family balance.

Fenner has taken to participating in meal times in a whole new way.

She and Debra made delicious chicken soup and tea biscuits yesterday. I commented all day about how nice her biscuits are. That's right, I'm *that boss* you know the kind. But man, those biscuits were fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.
Debra took this pic of the quintessentially fall moment. These two babes mushify my cold dead heart. Makes me sad that I can't go play with them myself during the day.

Reading into Dumbo

2009-11-06T20:20:00.004-05:00

So a couple of weeks back we had one of 'those' work weeks where it was just go go go all week. It culminated in me leaving for a girls weekend in the States.

This meant that not only was J was having his first flight as a single parent with a not weaned at all 2 year old but that he was doing it with a fairly empty fridge, no pre-made meals and exhausted.

We tried to prepare her by starting to wean and evolve our nighttime and morning rituals to somehow make the separation less painful for both of them and it was excruciating. Eventually, the constant fight wasn't worth it and we started discussing my impending departure upfront with no games - I nursed, she got up with Jason in the morning and he put her to bed at night. The nursing remained consistent.

"Mommy is leaving."

We didn't really have any expectations that this would work in any way and that "It would be all bad" for both J and F but at least it would only be "All Bad" for 2 nights and 3 days instead of the entire month leading up to my departure. Life is just too short.

That Friday night she got to enjoy her first movie - Dumbo. My job is not to judge because the weekend went amazingly well. I spoke to her and J every morning and night with no problems. J mentioned that she was sad but not inconsolable and was eating like a horse - including meat(!). This was interesting to me because she is pretty much a vegetarian kid - not of our making but of her own choice.

Anyway, when I got back after a 10 hour drive she was singing this phrase (minus the chip in her mouth).

Well, tonight Jason showed me the clip from the movie that she's singing and I'm trying hard not to get too wigged out by the 1941 cultural depictions. Am I getting charmed by the wordplay? The dancing crows?

I got back and she was happy to see me, still interested in nursing and seemingly not maladjusted or completely racist.

I'M ON HIGH ALERT although it's hard to be too paranoid when I imagine a rubber band or a horse fly!

Questionable new life

2009-11-05T21:26:00.000-05:00

Well, if I ruled the world, incendiary emails would be sent earlier in the day to provide the opportunity to deal with the fall out instead of at 5:00pm to ruin multiple peoples' evenings. Luckily for everyone I have new hair now so this will be the last time it happens.

Go team new life!

Hair before after 22 months of growth.

I went to this amazing hair stylist that cut my hair and replaced the ironic 'stache with some forehead shine.

On the upside my to do list is mostly done.

Really 18 months?

2009-11-04T18:00:00.000-05:00

It's been 18 months since I've gotten my hair cut. J was reminding me that Fenner was less than 3 months old.

I can't help but think that once I get it cut I may be reborn as someone who can stay up past 9:00 pm without feeling like she may just tip

over from exhaustion at any point.

This new hairstyle will make me socially relevant and give me enough attention span and time to read the Saturday paper in one sitting as opposed to over the entire week. I will be unstoppable

Here's a list of some of the things I will be able to do with with my new haircut:

- My to do list both personal and professional every day will be completed.

- Bake bread every night

- Plan menus for the week including one communal dinner with guests once a week

- Go to at least 1 concert, 1 movie and 1 play every two weeks

- Talk to my friends on a regular basis from home - not from a streetcar in the rain and *not* about Fenner's cuteness. Well, maybe a little bit.

- Finish spinning a fleece in less than a year without sacrificing my knitting

- Knit more gifts

- Go to F's sing song class on Wednesday mornings

- Volunteer

- Give blood

- Run

- Control the tupperware drawer that damnedable tool of the patriarchy (Martha, you know what I'm talking about)

Jeez, I hope I'm not disappointed.

Halloween!

2009-11-01T21:01:00.000-05:00

I love it when an idea comes together. Jason's plan to decorate the house involved "lots of little sheet ghosts". I wasn't exactly sure what he was talking about only that I knew there was a lot going on the week before Halloween and that "lots" of anything handmade hurt my head.

My imagination is truly lacking when it comes to understanding other peoples' ideas and how they'll be delivered. On Thursday and Friday night, J commenced decorating. 46 of these little guys were done by Friday night. Cute eh? They each had their own face.

Even the cat got some spooky enjoyment out of his decorations! The setting sun comes directly into our living room through the porch. The blustering wind really added to the effect. They looked really cool and were all made from an old ghost costume from the year before. I love that he decorated the house so well and didn't spend a dime. Yay to avoiding dollar store investing!
I contributed a couple of Boo!s from the stash.
Fenner helped carve her very first Pumpkin. She was quite frightened of it at first -the innards were really terrifying. Slowly she came around and by the end was having a great time.

Our friends Jason and Lorie came for a bite to eat and some Bloody Brain Shooters that my Jason uncharacteristically wanted to make. They were disgusting and led to a terrible terrible hangover the next day.Finally, Fenner dressed in a beautiful dress that her Fairy Godmother and family friend Terry had given her from her travels. Jason and I suggested that she might be dressed as a character from the movie "The Cove" Dark.

Begin Again.

2009-10-28T22:59:00.013-04:00

Happy end of October! What better time to get a grip on writing with some regularity again than the beginning of a month.

I really have no excuse except for that life just started happening. Overscheduling the month of October was a killer I think I was in town 2 weekends out of the 5 and travelling alone for 2 of the weekends of the month.

This is what I learned: Hotel rooms with king sized beds, fireplaces and jacuzzi bathtubs in hotel rooms facing Niagara Falls are wasted on the young and childless. Six women with powerful personalities and opinions CAN spend 72 hours together and have an amazing time every hour of the weekend especially when a wine cellar and innumerable bottles of champagne are involved. I can use a sewing machine!

It was a really fun month and Thanksgiving was one of the highlights. My best friend Carolyn and Jay's folks joined us at the cottage where we got snowed on during our traditional Cranberry Bog tour. Usually we'd have pics of the turkey on the bbcue but we went more traditional this year. To be honest it was bloody cold and we were all slow like bees in smoke. Carolyn was amazing with the pictures and shared some gems with me.After too many indoor games with Grampa and Grama Gemmill she needed to get out and get the stink off her.

We finally got our boat running safely at the end of the summer so J got a chance to learn his way around the lake. The cold cold lake.Still happy to be outside though!
Carolyn took a lot of pics with me in them. I didn't realize that I tend to be behind the camera taking pictures. I loved all of them. It's so funny - when this picture was taken we were walking to White's Falls after having boated over. I look totally in the moment but I remember distinctly thinking: I hope the boat starts again, that the turkey is doing ok and that Steve and Debbie are enjoying themselves.

I think I have to work more at being in the moment.

It's a pretty part of our lake and we used to spend hours and hours there floating in the rapids and baking on the rocks. Fenner loved looking at all the bubbles coming over the rocks. The best part this year was that Mom and Dad were able to bring Mimi for Thanksgiving dinner. It's a difficult thing to bring a 93 year old to the cottage on blustery cold fall days and somehow Mom and Dad always make it a priority amongst so many other priorities. It was definitely a highlight this year as Fenner was entranced by her and vice versa.

They played with the nesting dolls that my grandparents brought back from their Russian/Scandanavian vacation and generally played Stadtler and Waldorf while the rest of us got dinner on.

Never one to be shy with her questions she was quite focussed on finding out who Carolyn belonged to even though they've met dozens of times. It wasn't until we told the story of the Thanksgiving that Mom and Dad couldn't come to that Carolyn (vegetarian) made the turkey for them while we were in school that Mimi remembered.

It was a good weekend especially considering that the weather was...weathery. About mid-September Liz came to stay with us for a few weeks. It was amazing to have her here for Fenner to get to know her west coast (I STILL DON'T APPROVE) Auntie.

We had a kitchen party every night while I got dinner on, F had someone to read stories and sing with. It was a sweet sweet thing for all of us.

Rubber boot nudity was not only acceptable but fully encouraged!

Ahh, now to make it my own.

2009-10-24T14:28:00.000-04:00

Goals

2009-10-18T21:29:00.002-04:00

My new week's resolutions:

-> Manage new work project kickoffs (3)
-> Finish setting up new blog template (this is a killer)
-> Set up F's birthday party for friends and family.
-> Date night with J. Where the Wild Things are (tears leaking already)

Wish me luck.

Wanted: New Template

2009-10-07T13:52:00.001-04:00

Looking for a new template after 3 years. Luckily this was on my list of things to do blog-related. I guess the Fates just lit a match under my behind.

You know you're over 35 when...

2009-09-23T20:10:00.004-04:00

Blood in the Boardroom is a lot less of a fuck you to the man and a more of a mess when you work from home.

The weekend was so good it felt like we had 2 extra days.

2009-09-21T21:13:00.007-04:00

After 2 hours pent singing the sound track to Free to Be You and Me , terrible attempts at rounds of My Paddle's Keen and Bright with a little bit of Deep Purple to keep our edge (Fenner does a wicked air guitar). Charlotte, Fenner and I got to the cottage around 10:00 pm. F had enough in her to kiss Mom and Dad good night and hello to Liz and then pass out.

The real start to the weekend was on Saturday morning when as soon as Fenner woke up and asked for a story Charlotte and Liz ran from their rooms to our bed. Our family has a long history of the family bed and many a Saturday morning was spent snuggled in reading books quietly or out loud.
Fenner is in deep and true love with Charlotte and hangs on her every word and movement. Look at this woman, how could you not?
We all spent the weekend hiking, splitting wood, going on boat rides and eating. There was lots and lots of eating.

Liz is getting married next spring and I'd like to introduce 'Her Ladies' - there will be delicious delicious trouble.

Hiking with a 2 year old doesn't necessarily mean going the distance but she did pretty well. We made sure Charlotte walked just ahead of her to keep the pace up.

Finished Object - Fenner's first hat of the winter. It was cold up north this weekend. Manos left over from a rug hooking did the trick keeping her warm.

It was one of those rare spectacular fall weekends when the mornings are cold enough to warrant wool and layers and the afternoons are warm and sunny. The company was superb, politics avoided and we all felt amazing by the end of it.

Weekends like this one keep us chasing the dragon.

Ladytime.

2009-09-18T18:30:00.001-04:00

Well, fuck the patriarchy. I'm going up to the bush to hang with these lovely bitches. Good for the heart yo.

Jason is going to have a weekend alone. I've left him an insane list of things to do - clearly I feel like uninterrupted sleeping alone TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW can impact the space time continuum in fantastic ways. Also, it gives you so much energy that you can: Clean the eavestroughs, put up the shelves in F's room, finish the custom shelves for the kitchen, clean and mop the house top to bottom, steam clean the basement, organize the winter clothes closet, go fall/winter clothes shopping for Fenner and get rid of F's summer clothes that are too small (except for the handmades please).

Every time the doorbell rings Fenner lights up and yells: "CHARCHARCHARCHAR (Charlotte) COCOCOCOCO(Auntie Coco)"

Moo.

Mom is almost speechless to have all the girls up. We are all so very excited.

Why my job rocks in so many ways.

2009-09-17T11:02:00.002-04:00

I work with an amazing group of people living all over North America. I've never experienced leadership, mentorship and support (technical and professional) like I have in this company. After 3 years I've hit my first personal hump. Thems is the best odds I've had working for someone else.

My sister's advice to me was that work is not emotional it's business and I need to check the baggage at the door.

Which clearly speaks of at least 2 extreme ways of living the professional life. She's an amazingly logical thinker-linear, balanced and clearly thought out. Personal relationships are hard for her because they often(all) require enormous personal risk.

I'm an intuitive, emotionally attached, judgemental social butterfly. My clients love me and I love to make them love me *especially* when they are complete jackasses. I love my colleagues and coworkers - I'm willing to walk 60km with some of them, and drive down to JERSEY with others. 9 hrs. I love these ladies.

Anyway, I love my job. Working from home is an evolving challenge but nothing I can't cop to and when things are stressful to the point of distraction - you know the kind of stress I'm talking. I call it bumblebee stress the niggling constant concern that keeps you from staying in a straight thought line...so you bounce from task to task until finally you say, "Fuck It"

And that's when working from home has it's very priceless privileges.

15 minutes later, I'm centred, and able again. This is a nice feature in an imperfect world.

Meet me back in 1987.

2009-09-15T18:23:00.000-04:00

Highlight of my week. I found this picture of my class in Grade 8 doing Thriller. That's right.

I only wish we had a video. Can you find me?

Shaken, not stirred please.

2009-09-14T20:13:00.003-04:00

Got some unsettling news today. You know the kind that makes you wonder if you really knew that close friend as well as you thought. I feel a little off balance and probably way too personally invested.

Until I can really process the news I'm not sure I can write about it without using the term "Cockshow" and while soapbox ranting is unendingly satisfying I'm not sure I could do it effectively right now. Effective soapbox ranting isn't born out of insecurity and ignorance. I'm sure tomorrow will bring some answers.

Also, I just reread the last two blog posts and now I wonder if I'm actually illiterate. You'd think I could finish a complete thought at this stage of life. I appreciate everyone taking the mental energy to fill in the blanks of my sentences.

Can you tell I've fallen down on the writing every day? It's amazing how fast using cute baby pictures to fill the void of literacy can become a crutch.

Labour Day: The gateway to illness.

2009-09-13T19:49:00.000-04:00

Last weekend we travelled down/up to Smiths Falls for the long weekend. J's dad has just retired and we wanted to celebrate by throwing Fenner at him and drinking his wine (Thanks Steve!!!)
We enjoyed the train experience and it was great. Not much knitting with a 2 year old but certainly a lot more fun that being stuck in a car for 4 hours.
We went to the Perth Fall Fair.

Fenner's butt got a hearty dose of fall sunshine and we had one of the best long weekends I can remember. Steve and Debbie always take amazing care of us and this past weekend was no exception.

Maybe it was because we arrived early in the afternoon on Monday after a relaxing train trip during which Fenner napped and we napped but we started the week feeling reinvigorated and well rested.

Maybe that's why neither J or I have shown any signs of strep and it's been almost 5 days. Thank the Fates, those bitches, since Fenner's poor caregiver came down with strep throat so badly that she had symptoms of rheumatoid arthitis so J and I had to MacGyver work schedules.

Since Debra went down I've been nursing the holy bejeezus out of Fenner, because, well, doesn't it make sense to give her the antibodies that I'm producing? A good friend of mine backed my instincts with this little gem since I'm know to be about as logical and scientific as a puddle of fingerpaint it was gratifying to know my inner compass is right.

Fenner is almost 2 and I've taken a bit of heat for still nursing her when she asks now (2-3 times in 24 hours). She spent 2 days in close contact with someone at their most contagious and has shown no signs of illness. I feel affirmed. Breast milk = good shit yo'.